Wednesday, January 30, 2013

When words hurt...

We've all seen the lists of what not to say to infertiles (yes spell check after all these times of typing that word I am very sure I don't mean interflies!).  and I find myself even before we were diagnosed wondering how people could even think to say some of these things to people.  Really?  I chalk it up to again seeing several women I love going through the treatments and working in women's health that I know better for the most part.  While I won't repeat the lists again that are copied over and over and basically the same thing  here is a list of things (in no particular order).  I have recently been told and hurt by (and not calling anyone out if you realize it is you, just setting an example). I truly get that almost none of these people meant any harm and were trying to help, but still. 

1) Are you sure it's not possible?  This happens quite a bit actually.  Yes I'm very sure.  Again it's like saying are you sure it's cancer?  Technically it is possible as long as we have sex and I have a uterus, but reality of sustaining a pregnancy even if it implanted is not probable.  Infertility is often misconstrued as being about the ability to get pregnant but it actually goes into being able to carry a child full term.  There's a fact for ya!

2)  Perhaps God gave you this health condition for a reason.  I've found myself saying over and over that I feel like God has plans for me and I could be the best foster/adoptive parent ever but seriously?  Hey God thought you should be a lefty so he gave you that horrible accident that cost you your right arm.  Sounds pretty vicious when you put it that way right? 

3) Why can't you just be happy for others?  Unless I've said God awful hateful words such as you don't deserve this baby or I hope you miscarry so you can know what miserable means (as in I'd never say those words in a million years!) never assume you know if I am happy for you or others or not.  I am happy for you.  Sometimes our joy can bring others pain. People who ask this are often the reason I'm not happy though!

4) I/My (random family member)/my neighbor's sister's friend had a miscarriage/took (amount) of years/ was on bed rest and I didn't feel/act/get depressed or post annoying shit like you.  Good for you and for them.  People grieve differently.  People like you are the reason I share the links on etiquette and could use a few more lessons on far more than infertility etiquette.  Most of you who offered these words have had kids too so it's a slightly different feelings when ITS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.  Look up primary infertility vs secondary infertility. Both hurt but still different. 

5) Have you tried (insert random form of health/fertility treatment/supplement)?  Most of the ones recommended on message boards promote estrogen growth.  That is the last thing I need but indeed does help several other ladies succeed.  I'm a pee on a stick pro and can tell you about every phase of the cervix position and it's glorious mucous.  If it's an option for me that would work with our situation I've probably tried it or ran it past the experts for opinion.  I'm about to technically be homeless and floating between 2 moms and houses in 2 cities with my husband and school and work to deal with on top of building a new home.  Anything that requires specific diet or timing just isn't fitting right now no matter how much I'd love to have that miracle happen between now and June. 

6) How about adoption? Can't you just adopt?  Yes we can and probably will.  It all goes back to that point above where we will be homeless.  A lot of places charge 700+ dollars to update a home study so we've said from the beginning we'd begin that journey once we were settled into our new home.  Why waste the money we'll need to afford caring for a new little one or ones?  Besides floating between homes and cities is hard enough with pets I can't imagine denying my husband the bonding with a child or anyone giving us a serious look applying in our current situation.  Trust me I've read my information and done my research. I read tons of books and journals all last summer and I am ready to make that step as much as you are to see us succeed. 

7) So and so was told it'd never happen and it did for them.  That's great for them and I'm super happy they were blessed with a miracle, but I'm not just facing one issue, but several against me.  It doesn't mean I've given up hope or being negative because I will always hang on to hope, but I also don't want to get lost in a daydream and miss out on the rest of my life.  Knowing that I would have extremely high risks of losing a baby and myself in the second trimester from both of the female issues is hard to stomach.  Literally my uterus could rupture from the thin spots of lining as they stretch from having the endo ablated.  The septum receives no blood flow and my baby would die from lack of blood if it chose to implant anywhere on that part of my uterus.  Before I even knew about those there was the issue of my back.  I have 2 full length Herrington rods with crossed fixtures and a spinal infusion at the bottom.  Most of a normal pregnancy could be spent on bed rest.  We have big babies and twins galore in this family so normal size is out the window.  Knowing I could crush my spine just carrying in the 3rd trimester and not be able to have any form of spinal is a big deal.  Depending on placement they can try but when you have the surgery I did those holes where they try could not heal and basically leak spinal fluid or cause more arthritis from lack of healing.  I couldn't do a vaginal delivery or even a regular c-section. I'd have to be under anesthesia and Shane therefore couldn't even be in the OR to be with our child while I'm out.  This was something he was very aware of before we got married on top of the risk that I may not be able to get pregnant at all or easily.  I love my husband dearly and he was my best friend before we dated, but that can be hard on a man and I wanted him aware before we said I do. 

8) You know you can borrow my kids anytime right?  Yes and I love all your kiddos dearly, but I'm not trying to play house 48 hours at a time.  I'd still babysit just because in a heart beat though! Auntie Amy's home is always open (well unless I'm working.  Even then Shane might still be willing to try it alone if a mom can be on stand by). 

9) You're so young it can still happen.  A woman at 30 with no health issues working against her has a 10% chance of conceiving in a perfectly timed regular menstrual cycle.  Yes people have babies older than me but whether they tell you or not there's a good chance there was something helping them rather than not.  Again it goes back to that realistic expectation of my situation.  I think people miss signs or just don't read when I share information regarding the specifics and think I've just tried for awhile and think it's not happening.  That is far from the case. 

10) If they are giving you until June to try and make a baby then you surely have to have good chances. Why not try longer?  I honestly think this is a now or never attempt to humor me even though I went in prepared for more surgery and removals and not baby making, but the fact I did well on Lupron took everyone by shock.  Sometimes I feel like it could be research but the fact I'm not being monitored tells me nah.  After 6 months with no hormones or birth control the beast will inevitably be back to take over my body.  It came on so quickly before part of me is terrified to even wait that long.  After then I can do another surgery to check out the insides and maybe talk to an RE about IVF options.  If I chose not to go that route or they say it's unrealistic then I have to come up with a plan to protect my body from the beast for good.  Whether I stay on birth control (and I have issues with IUD's after seeing 3 babies in my small hometown made while on then and put at risk I doubt the 99% effective odds) or do more surgery and maybe more hormones I don't know. I'd like to avoid a hysterectomy as long as possible because I'd just be on hormones anyways from going into menopause that early but we shall see. If it's as bad as it was last May I'll probably just say rip it all out because I can't keep putting my other organs in jeopardy.  Filling toilets with blood when passing bowel movements isn't normal and after 3 years it kind of has become my normal but I'd like to remember life without it and feeling dizzy and nauseated like I could pass out most days.  I want to get out of bed. I want to not take my pain pills for my back for my PMS instead.  I want to be able to know if i walk down the hall, driveway, etc around weeks 2-3 (ovulation is never normal or same days) of my cycle I won't cry out in random stabbing pain and drop down and have it gone before someone can rush to me.  This cycle I literally thought my ovary burst and it happened at work.  It was scary. 

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