Well I apologize as we've moved and time has just been away from me. I promise to be a better and more consistent blogger from here on out. Things are good I suppose. I left my job working post partum to work strictly pediatrics at a Children's Hospital closer to our new home. I miss my coworkers terribly but I knew my future was in pediatrics and honestly I think it'll help me emotionally be stronger in this journey. I did fine for the most part, but the past few months when I'd be stuck working on the unit 3-4 nights in a row it would never seem to fail it would be as my god awful girl time was drawing near and I was emotionally unstable enough from hormones.
Now that we've moved we have updated our address on our licenses which means.... HOME STUDY time in the near future! Most of the followers who do know me personally know that we've chosen to go the foster to adoption route for a couple of years. We're still finishing up school and while I could probably fundraise out the wazoo, I would rather wait before we attempt an agency placed domestic adoption until we're better able to afford financially. The thought of being picked to be parents and not being able to come up with the thousands of dollars needed in a potentially short period of time breaks my heart. I hate that it all comes down to money. A baby is a person for pete's sake!
Sure I know foster parenting isn't guaranteed to adopt. While a reunification is hard to see, I also trust in the Lord that whatever is best for the children placed with us will be. Perhaps it's the healthcare worker in me but I know that their time with us will be filled with love and total nourishing and nurturing care and we will make their world better for them while in our arms. Even agency placed adoptions don't always pan out. I watch I'm Having Their Baby religiously. This season has had several ladies decide to keep their babies. Most who do not know much on adoption don't realize several of those couples lose that money they put towards that placement. I found that out at work when adoptions would fall through and other coworkers had no idea. Sure if it was a steady reliable parent situation you're happy but I also feel for the potential parents who missed out. They've essentially lost a baby they've hoped for and that money towards a future placement. It's all just scary business and that's what it comes down to for some agencies. It's business and money. If we get to the point we're considering agency instead I know one that is newer in our area that I really liked from a fertility fair and had a distant basically family member (aunt's niece on the other side) just get placed by them last weekend. I didn't even know they were pursuing and to find out they liked the same agency was comforting.
So yeah we've been buying things here and there. State of IN requires you to have the beds and car seats ready for home study to show that you could take a kid that day if needed that are age appropriate. It feels weird to have a nursery set like we're creepers waiting to steal a baby in the night but it makes sense. I find comfort in knowing that they require cribs and car seats that pass safety guidelines because I'm huge on infant safety! We are willing to take a child newborn-school age but not opposed to school age and older if it means a family would not be separated. We found the crib and changing table on Shane's classifieds at work and I bought a brand new mattress and bedding. We already had the travel system and it's good through Jan 2017. We know which 2 convertible car seats we want just have to buy them. We'll have my sisters bunk beds in the "big kid room" as we call it which is also going to be the playroom for now until we grow. Our guest room and nursery will be combined to be ready for either and the 4th bedroom will be my craft room, but totally a storage room and mainly the room for the cat box at the moment. It's the smallest and right off of our room so we can easily transform it to be a small nursery or guest room if we end up with more than one infant or toddler and need to reuse our space. Once it's all put away the house will be officially a home and ready. Guess I better sign off and get to work on some more of that! :)
Have a blessed weekend!
Friday, August 2, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
As NIAW 2013 comes to a close...
I want to thank each and every person who shared my Infertility Awareness profile picture on Facebook. 37 shares! It's a tiny percentage of my "friends" on there (and most were shares off of shares) but it's such a taboo subject that I think it's huge! You folks are what kept me going when some of those close to us chose to be hurtful. I have some of the greatest "chosen family members" in my friends that a lady could ask for!
We went to a NIAW week event in Carmel that was a family building fair. There were lots of vendors from adoption agencies, fertility clinics, and health related places. We got to speak to the ladies in charge of our district for State of Indiana DCS. We found out that we basically have passed 2 of the major steps towards becoming foster parents. We're already CPR certified and the fact we both work for hospitals shows we can pass a background check. There's a growing need in the county we're moving to more so for socioeconomically related cases rather than abuse I guess. They also said since I work in pediatric health care we'd most likely get those calls at 2am or whenever it's a small child with a health concern such as a newborn in withdrawal etc or needing follow up at Riley's even as tiny as asthma. We felt good after our conversation with them.
We also met a very nice lady (her name was Amy!) from an adoption agency that we clicked with right away. I like that they don't necessarily have to be the "locator" of the baby and if you're an extrovert they can help you market yourself more to avoid more fees involved. Sounds perfect for us! She had lots of great advice and was really the only one I found comfortable to talk with that wasn't related to foster care. We listened an adoption attorney speak but for the most part I knew all the basics but she touched a little more in depth on home study specifics in the state of Indiana. Looks like I need to find my job in Indy sooner than later or we'll be paying for an addendum. She also touched on the fact people who adopt more than once sometimes go different routes on each adoption. I could see me being one of those people being comfortable with different situations at different times.
We met a nurse (also named Amy! I think it was a sign) and another doctor from the fertility group we receive a discount through as Community employee and spouse. They said they have great rates of like 80% pregnancy success but that's just on the people it is possible for I pointed out. I have a lot of issues that can all come into play health wise and it's not just about the endo. I say that over and over on here and in conversation, but I really don't think people register the fact it's more than having stage IV Endo. Sure you can say you'd get me pregnant, but what can you offer in terms of sustaining it through the 3rd trimester? We're probably going to go speak to him at some point this summer after moving, but I won't hold my breath. As I have always said you'd have to have some amazing odds for me specifically o get me to consider risking all our savings and then some that could be spent on adopting another child.
I think we've ultimately come to an agreement we know we want to foster whether we chose to do IVF at some point or adopt through an agency so we're going to get a hold of them to start our education. I'm pretty excited! Until I'm done with school it makes more sense economically to try to adopt through foster care first and I've always felt as though I was called to it by God. It fits into the path of me going back to school etc where I said I felt as though God came to me and wanted me to do more to help others when I chose to leave my last employer. I realize it will be tough in cases where we would not get to keep the children as our own, but I'm very aware that reunification of family is the ultimate goal and as it should be whether it's the parent or a relative. It'll be weird having a house set up and ready for babies and toddlers with no kids but you never know when that phone will ring! Even if we contracted through an agency, placements can and do fall through (granted not as long as a process but still) and I've witnessed 2 myself in the past 2 weeks. You have to risk the heartache for the happiness. I just keep reminding myself of all the placements I have seen and the hope that they give me when they leave a family bonded with love, not genetics.
We went to a NIAW week event in Carmel that was a family building fair. There were lots of vendors from adoption agencies, fertility clinics, and health related places. We got to speak to the ladies in charge of our district for State of Indiana DCS. We found out that we basically have passed 2 of the major steps towards becoming foster parents. We're already CPR certified and the fact we both work for hospitals shows we can pass a background check. There's a growing need in the county we're moving to more so for socioeconomically related cases rather than abuse I guess. They also said since I work in pediatric health care we'd most likely get those calls at 2am or whenever it's a small child with a health concern such as a newborn in withdrawal etc or needing follow up at Riley's even as tiny as asthma. We felt good after our conversation with them.
We also met a very nice lady (her name was Amy!) from an adoption agency that we clicked with right away. I like that they don't necessarily have to be the "locator" of the baby and if you're an extrovert they can help you market yourself more to avoid more fees involved. Sounds perfect for us! She had lots of great advice and was really the only one I found comfortable to talk with that wasn't related to foster care. We listened an adoption attorney speak but for the most part I knew all the basics but she touched a little more in depth on home study specifics in the state of Indiana. Looks like I need to find my job in Indy sooner than later or we'll be paying for an addendum. She also touched on the fact people who adopt more than once sometimes go different routes on each adoption. I could see me being one of those people being comfortable with different situations at different times.
We met a nurse (also named Amy! I think it was a sign) and another doctor from the fertility group we receive a discount through as Community employee and spouse. They said they have great rates of like 80% pregnancy success but that's just on the people it is possible for I pointed out. I have a lot of issues that can all come into play health wise and it's not just about the endo. I say that over and over on here and in conversation, but I really don't think people register the fact it's more than having stage IV Endo. Sure you can say you'd get me pregnant, but what can you offer in terms of sustaining it through the 3rd trimester? We're probably going to go speak to him at some point this summer after moving, but I won't hold my breath. As I have always said you'd have to have some amazing odds for me specifically o get me to consider risking all our savings and then some that could be spent on adopting another child.
I think we've ultimately come to an agreement we know we want to foster whether we chose to do IVF at some point or adopt through an agency so we're going to get a hold of them to start our education. I'm pretty excited! Until I'm done with school it makes more sense economically to try to adopt through foster care first and I've always felt as though I was called to it by God. It fits into the path of me going back to school etc where I said I felt as though God came to me and wanted me to do more to help others when I chose to leave my last employer. I realize it will be tough in cases where we would not get to keep the children as our own, but I'm very aware that reunification of family is the ultimate goal and as it should be whether it's the parent or a relative. It'll be weird having a house set up and ready for babies and toddlers with no kids but you never know when that phone will ring! Even if we contracted through an agency, placements can and do fall through (granted not as long as a process but still) and I've witnessed 2 myself in the past 2 weeks. You have to risk the heartache for the happiness. I just keep reminding myself of all the placements I have seen and the hope that they give me when they leave a family bonded with love, not genetics.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
It's been too long....
Sorry after all the drama at the end of January I just needed a break. Really I felt as though I've been walking on eggshells and suddenly I'm back to square one where I have to question why is that I have to walk on them but others can't in regards to my feelings? Pretty much this is my thoughts:
In the mean time, we've sold a house, started building another, my husband had shoulder surgery, and I've just had my usual work and school load to deal with on top of everything else. I went on the 3rd for my annual pap visit. Cycles still aren't normal and in fact I keep getting multiple waves of positive LH surges which is expected coming off of hormone suppressants. Basically unless I agree to do monitored cycles we'll never know if I am still capable of ovulating. The whole IVF discussion came back up and how it's pretty much the only chance since I'm facing so many complexities. Right now I just want to know my Endo isn't growing back and that 55+ day cycles won't be my new normal. If I reach 35 days I have to do even more rounds of hormones to induce cycles which is what I'm doing now. I'm so sick of pills to make my body do what it should do. I've felt like my boobs could burst at the touch of a damn shower for over 2 weeks so just bring on the wrath of ovarian war for pete's sake! That's right I have my cranky pants on!
I agreed to consider doing monitored cycles in June and July potentially to watch my cycle to see if it is working. I'm not a fan of having to take Clomid but I'll do a few and listen to what an RE has to say. As I've said before it'd have to be some extremely great odds for me to risk throwing away that much money that could just be spent on adoption, especially while I'm wrapping up school so basically broke! The RE who offers a discount through my husband's job is speaking at an event during National Infertility Awareness Week specifically on Endometriosis so I signed up to attend. There will also be several adoption services present at the fair. I'm pretty excited even though it's a depressing reason to get to be part of a "group" if you will.
Any who I promise to not stay away so long again in the future. I've never been one to let people get to me so I'm not sure if it was the melt down of pressure or the fact people were lashing out at others in the family because of me. It just makes matters worse to handle when you're not scared of confrontation and married to someone who avoids it like the plague and won't stand up for you. Sometimes your spouse needs to come first instead of back peddling to keep the peace otherwise it's like we're in this alone instead of together.
In the mean time, we've sold a house, started building another, my husband had shoulder surgery, and I've just had my usual work and school load to deal with on top of everything else. I went on the 3rd for my annual pap visit. Cycles still aren't normal and in fact I keep getting multiple waves of positive LH surges which is expected coming off of hormone suppressants. Basically unless I agree to do monitored cycles we'll never know if I am still capable of ovulating. The whole IVF discussion came back up and how it's pretty much the only chance since I'm facing so many complexities. Right now I just want to know my Endo isn't growing back and that 55+ day cycles won't be my new normal. If I reach 35 days I have to do even more rounds of hormones to induce cycles which is what I'm doing now. I'm so sick of pills to make my body do what it should do. I've felt like my boobs could burst at the touch of a damn shower for over 2 weeks so just bring on the wrath of ovarian war for pete's sake! That's right I have my cranky pants on!
I agreed to consider doing monitored cycles in June and July potentially to watch my cycle to see if it is working. I'm not a fan of having to take Clomid but I'll do a few and listen to what an RE has to say. As I've said before it'd have to be some extremely great odds for me to risk throwing away that much money that could just be spent on adoption, especially while I'm wrapping up school so basically broke! The RE who offers a discount through my husband's job is speaking at an event during National Infertility Awareness Week specifically on Endometriosis so I signed up to attend. There will also be several adoption services present at the fair. I'm pretty excited even though it's a depressing reason to get to be part of a "group" if you will.
Any who I promise to not stay away so long again in the future. I've never been one to let people get to me so I'm not sure if it was the melt down of pressure or the fact people were lashing out at others in the family because of me. It just makes matters worse to handle when you're not scared of confrontation and married to someone who avoids it like the plague and won't stand up for you. Sometimes your spouse needs to come first instead of back peddling to keep the peace otherwise it's like we're in this alone instead of together.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Keeping the dream alive
After doing some thinking the past month I decided to talk to my husband last weekend when he was home. You know from my blog that I was broad sided when the doctor told me she was going to give us 6 months to try. I had spent all summer long reading book after book on adoption and even into the fall trying to make peace with the fact I would never be a biological mother. I still might not be and realistically probably won't. It's taken it's toll on me from one end to the other to have a chance thrown back at me, especially when I literally felt at peace with my low blow. I honestly think this has made dealing with the emotions worse and perhaps the jealousy when I hear someone else is pregnant. It's one thing to think you can't be and another to know you could be and trying. We're about to hit the 2 year mark in April and maybe the anniversary is haunting me.
Anyways after researching and reading and trying to formulate financial plans and which route of adoption to pursue, it felt as though in the midst of the chaos we could finally move forward in our lives. So when they threw this one and only chance at me it was as though one dream was made possible again which is fantastic. On the other hand inside I feel as though my "new" dream had been not necessarily crushed but sidelined. So this weekend I told Shane even if we magically get this miracle baby or babies I still want to foster parent.
You see even before I was faced with infertility every time I would read the news about a child harmed I would get upset. Even before I worked with these kids it had an effect on me. Being the product of a teen pregnancy there was always a stigma about how people probably assumed I would be brought up. I was never in need to the point I stole food. I was never left alone before responsible enough to handle it. I was whipped twice in my life and I can tell you to this day I deserve both of those whippings and maybe even a few more swats I should have been given but I wasn't beaten. So if my mother at 15 could pull her shit together and ask for help if needed, why can't others? Why can't these other women who are much older and have better means and more sense of responsibility? More importantly if they could not or knew they could not why not give these children up to someone who could love them better? In my work field I see these women leave with kids every day. It's not the jealousy that makes me question why they act the way they do. I did that before I got my diagnosis. These children didn't ask to be brought into a life full of neglect or abuse they don't deserve. What they do deserve is someone who can show them it will be okay in the future. To show them how to learn to trust and love and most of all accept love is okay.
I still believe we are capable of being those parents. Even if we pursued domestic infant adoption first, I always planned on foster to adopt afterwards. The only reason I'd consider domestic infant adoption now is simply we have the extra resources right now and obviously if we can't have a miracle baby. I really don't know still if I'd want to risk IVF with such uncertainty if it's going to take away from our funds to adopt. They've extended the adoption tax credit and my husband works for a company that offerings assistance towards adoption. That in itself is really rare and with all the cuts in budgets in healthcare, I'm not sure it'll be a benefit that sticks around sadly. To wait for an infant or toddler in the foster system could take years. It also could not. While I'd love to take in any and every kid, I just feel it would not be appropriate for us to take in a teenager at our age. School age would be tricky until I am done with school to help run around to extra curricular activities so for now I feel under 5 is best since most of the time would be spent at home and I could be studying at the same point. So much faces us in the road ahead and I'm sure we will eventually be placed with older kids or perhaps a sibling group, but I do know one thing is for certain we will be going down that road together.
Anyways after researching and reading and trying to formulate financial plans and which route of adoption to pursue, it felt as though in the midst of the chaos we could finally move forward in our lives. So when they threw this one and only chance at me it was as though one dream was made possible again which is fantastic. On the other hand inside I feel as though my "new" dream had been not necessarily crushed but sidelined. So this weekend I told Shane even if we magically get this miracle baby or babies I still want to foster parent.
You see even before I was faced with infertility every time I would read the news about a child harmed I would get upset. Even before I worked with these kids it had an effect on me. Being the product of a teen pregnancy there was always a stigma about how people probably assumed I would be brought up. I was never in need to the point I stole food. I was never left alone before responsible enough to handle it. I was whipped twice in my life and I can tell you to this day I deserve both of those whippings and maybe even a few more swats I should have been given but I wasn't beaten. So if my mother at 15 could pull her shit together and ask for help if needed, why can't others? Why can't these other women who are much older and have better means and more sense of responsibility? More importantly if they could not or knew they could not why not give these children up to someone who could love them better? In my work field I see these women leave with kids every day. It's not the jealousy that makes me question why they act the way they do. I did that before I got my diagnosis. These children didn't ask to be brought into a life full of neglect or abuse they don't deserve. What they do deserve is someone who can show them it will be okay in the future. To show them how to learn to trust and love and most of all accept love is okay.
I still believe we are capable of being those parents. Even if we pursued domestic infant adoption first, I always planned on foster to adopt afterwards. The only reason I'd consider domestic infant adoption now is simply we have the extra resources right now and obviously if we can't have a miracle baby. I really don't know still if I'd want to risk IVF with such uncertainty if it's going to take away from our funds to adopt. They've extended the adoption tax credit and my husband works for a company that offerings assistance towards adoption. That in itself is really rare and with all the cuts in budgets in healthcare, I'm not sure it'll be a benefit that sticks around sadly. To wait for an infant or toddler in the foster system could take years. It also could not. While I'd love to take in any and every kid, I just feel it would not be appropriate for us to take in a teenager at our age. School age would be tricky until I am done with school to help run around to extra curricular activities so for now I feel under 5 is best since most of the time would be spent at home and I could be studying at the same point. So much faces us in the road ahead and I'm sure we will eventually be placed with older kids or perhaps a sibling group, but I do know one thing is for certain we will be going down that road together.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
POAS crazy takes over.
The past few days I've had a few moments where I've thought about a subject to blog and failed to log in and do it!
I've also had some random wicked dreams the past few sleeps (I won't say nights because some were days). If you're reading this because you've been on the TTC journey yourself you know exactly what I mean when I use the term POAS. If you're here for support it means to pee on a stick. My dr wants me to chart these cycles from now until June so I am back in POAS mode. This cycle has been a bust. Either I ovulated early for once in my charting life or it's anovulatory. It's hard to tell when you aren't temping (waiting a cycle due to coming off the Lupron) and you see some light lines but never a full equal set. I'm back to analyzing every symptom and characteristic. After POAS for several days I'm leaning towards the latter. I keep thinking to myself am I really wanting to put myself through this all again? Will it be too stressful? Can I handle the stress and emotional roller coaster? Given that I have 6 months max to try I think I owe it to myself and kid craving husband. Then I had a dream.
To show how much it plays on your mind if you've not been a POASaholic let me tell you about it. Sure there's the fancy ovulatory and pregnancy tests you see on the commercials that are digital and give you a definitive yes or no. There is also the fancy price tags. After a few cycles of TTC you join internet forums to compare signs and troubles with and learn about the wonderful world of internet cheapies. Wondfos are the devil to those of us TTC. It's the same good ol' stick they use in a lab. 2 lines of equal color means it is positive. You stress on if the purple is almost or really is equal. Is that a squinter? Is my mind playing tricks? Here is a picture to show you how crazy it can be deciphering the 2nd line on a test.
Sure there's 2nd lines, but that's the fun part of deciding when it counts as positive. It will drive an already stressed person crazy! So crazy that a few nights ago while trying to figure out if I had O'ed early I had the dream. I dreamed that I went back into the bathroom to an old test and it magically told me that I had indeed O'ed on CD 15 and was 7DPO. Yes that's right it came up in the white margin in typed letters plain as day and I thought oh okay that's awesome that it can tell me this now finally! Does this actually happen? NO. Would it be amazing and could I be a millionaire if I could develop it and sell it for the same cheap price? You betcha!
So now I just wait to see when I start my next cycle. I give up at this point. It's too late in my current cycle. I only saw a 2nd line once and that was last Friday on CD24 and it was literally a squinter. That's the only one so I figure it's a fluke. My body is just in spasm mode from welcoming estrogen back in. Until then we wait. I've been a crying mess over little crap for 3 days so I humored myself and did a pregnancy one as well that was also stark white. I'm guessing the witch shows her head this weekend so I can start all over at 1. *sigh* 1 down 5 cycles to go.
I've also had some random wicked dreams the past few sleeps (I won't say nights because some were days). If you're reading this because you've been on the TTC journey yourself you know exactly what I mean when I use the term POAS. If you're here for support it means to pee on a stick. My dr wants me to chart these cycles from now until June so I am back in POAS mode. This cycle has been a bust. Either I ovulated early for once in my charting life or it's anovulatory. It's hard to tell when you aren't temping (waiting a cycle due to coming off the Lupron) and you see some light lines but never a full equal set. I'm back to analyzing every symptom and characteristic. After POAS for several days I'm leaning towards the latter. I keep thinking to myself am I really wanting to put myself through this all again? Will it be too stressful? Can I handle the stress and emotional roller coaster? Given that I have 6 months max to try I think I owe it to myself and kid craving husband. Then I had a dream.
To show how much it plays on your mind if you've not been a POASaholic let me tell you about it. Sure there's the fancy ovulatory and pregnancy tests you see on the commercials that are digital and give you a definitive yes or no. There is also the fancy price tags. After a few cycles of TTC you join internet forums to compare signs and troubles with and learn about the wonderful world of internet cheapies. Wondfos are the devil to those of us TTC. It's the same good ol' stick they use in a lab. 2 lines of equal color means it is positive. You stress on if the purple is almost or really is equal. Is that a squinter? Is my mind playing tricks? Here is a picture to show you how crazy it can be deciphering the 2nd line on a test.
So now I just wait to see when I start my next cycle. I give up at this point. It's too late in my current cycle. I only saw a 2nd line once and that was last Friday on CD24 and it was literally a squinter. That's the only one so I figure it's a fluke. My body is just in spasm mode from welcoming estrogen back in. Until then we wait. I've been a crying mess over little crap for 3 days so I humored myself and did a pregnancy one as well that was also stark white. I'm guessing the witch shows her head this weekend so I can start all over at 1. *sigh* 1 down 5 cycles to go.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
When words hurt...
We've all seen the lists of what not to say to infertiles (yes spell check after all these times of typing that word I am very sure I don't mean interflies!). and I find myself even before we were diagnosed wondering how people could even think to say some of these things to people. Really? I chalk it up to again seeing several women I love going through the treatments and working in women's health that I know better for the most part. While I won't repeat the lists again that are copied over and over and basically the same thing here is a list of things (in no particular order). I have recently been told and hurt by (and not calling anyone out if you realize it is you, just setting an example). I truly get that almost none of these people meant any harm and were trying to help, but still.
1) Are you sure it's not possible? This happens quite a bit actually. Yes I'm very sure. Again it's like saying are you sure it's cancer? Technically it is possible as long as we have sex and I have a uterus, but reality of sustaining a pregnancy even if it implanted is not probable. Infertility is often misconstrued as being about the ability to get pregnant but it actually goes into being able to carry a child full term. There's a fact for ya!
2) Perhaps God gave you this health condition for a reason. I've found myself saying over and over that I feel like God has plans for me and I could be the best foster/adoptive parent ever but seriously? Hey God thought you should be a lefty so he gave you that horrible accident that cost you your right arm. Sounds pretty vicious when you put it that way right?
3) Why can't you just be happy for others? Unless I've said God awful hateful words such as you don't deserve this baby or I hope you miscarry so you can know what miserable means (as in I'd never say those words in a million years!) never assume you know if I am happy for you or others or not. I am happy for you. Sometimes our joy can bring others pain. People who ask this are often the reason I'm not happy though!
4) I/My (random family member)/my neighbor's sister's friend had a miscarriage/took (amount) of years/ was on bed rest and I didn't feel/act/get depressed or post annoying shit like you. Good for you and for them. People grieve differently. People like you are the reason I share the links on etiquette and could use a few more lessons on far more than infertility etiquette. Most of you who offered these words have had kids too so it's a slightly different feelings when ITS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. Look up primary infertility vs secondary infertility. Both hurt but still different.
5) Have you tried (insert random form of health/fertility treatment/supplement)? Most of the ones recommended on message boards promote estrogen growth. That is the last thing I need but indeed does help several other ladies succeed. I'm a pee on a stick pro and can tell you about every phase of the cervix position and it's glorious mucous. If it's an option for me that would work with our situation I've probably tried it or ran it past the experts for opinion. I'm about to technically be homeless and floating between 2 moms and houses in 2 cities with my husband and school and work to deal with on top of building a new home. Anything that requires specific diet or timing just isn't fitting right now no matter how much I'd love to have that miracle happen between now and June.
6) How about adoption? Can't you just adopt? Yes we can and probably will. It all goes back to that point above where we will be homeless. A lot of places charge 700+ dollars to update a home study so we've said from the beginning we'd begin that journey once we were settled into our new home. Why waste the money we'll need to afford caring for a new little one or ones? Besides floating between homes and cities is hard enough with pets I can't imagine denying my husband the bonding with a child or anyone giving us a serious look applying in our current situation. Trust me I've read my information and done my research. I read tons of books and journals all last summer and I am ready to make that step as much as you are to see us succeed.
7) So and so was told it'd never happen and it did for them. That's great for them and I'm super happy they were blessed with a miracle, but I'm not just facing one issue, but several against me. It doesn't mean I've given up hope or being negative because I will always hang on to hope, but I also don't want to get lost in a daydream and miss out on the rest of my life. Knowing that I would have extremely high risks of losing a baby and myself in the second trimester from both of the female issues is hard to stomach. Literally my uterus could rupture from the thin spots of lining as they stretch from having the endo ablated. The septum receives no blood flow and my baby would die from lack of blood if it chose to implant anywhere on that part of my uterus. Before I even knew about those there was the issue of my back. I have 2 full length Herrington rods with crossed fixtures and a spinal infusion at the bottom. Most of a normal pregnancy could be spent on bed rest. We have big babies and twins galore in this family so normal size is out the window. Knowing I could crush my spine just carrying in the 3rd trimester and not be able to have any form of spinal is a big deal. Depending on placement they can try but when you have the surgery I did those holes where they try could not heal and basically leak spinal fluid or cause more arthritis from lack of healing. I couldn't do a vaginal delivery or even a regular c-section. I'd have to be under anesthesia and Shane therefore couldn't even be in the OR to be with our child while I'm out. This was something he was very aware of before we got married on top of the risk that I may not be able to get pregnant at all or easily. I love my husband dearly and he was my best friend before we dated, but that can be hard on a man and I wanted him aware before we said I do.
8) You know you can borrow my kids anytime right? Yes and I love all your kiddos dearly, but I'm not trying to play house 48 hours at a time. I'd still babysit just because in a heart beat though! Auntie Amy's home is always open (well unless I'm working. Even then Shane might still be willing to try it alone if a mom can be on stand by).
9) You're so young it can still happen. A woman at 30 with no health issues working against her has a 10% chance of conceiving in a perfectly timed regular menstrual cycle. Yes people have babies older than me but whether they tell you or not there's a good chance there was something helping them rather than not. Again it goes back to that realistic expectation of my situation. I think people miss signs or just don't read when I share information regarding the specifics and think I've just tried for awhile and think it's not happening. That is far from the case.
10) If they are giving you until June to try and make a baby then you surely have to have good chances. Why not try longer? I honestly think this is a now or never attempt to humor me even though I went in prepared for more surgery and removals and not baby making, but the fact I did well on Lupron took everyone by shock. Sometimes I feel like it could be research but the fact I'm not being monitored tells me nah. After 6 months with no hormones or birth control the beast will inevitably be back to take over my body. It came on so quickly before part of me is terrified to even wait that long. After then I can do another surgery to check out the insides and maybe talk to an RE about IVF options. If I chose not to go that route or they say it's unrealistic then I have to come up with a plan to protect my body from the beast for good. Whether I stay on birth control (and I have issues with IUD's after seeing 3 babies in my small hometown made while on then and put at risk I doubt the 99% effective odds) or do more surgery and maybe more hormones I don't know. I'd like to avoid a hysterectomy as long as possible because I'd just be on hormones anyways from going into menopause that early but we shall see. If it's as bad as it was last May I'll probably just say rip it all out because I can't keep putting my other organs in jeopardy. Filling toilets with blood when passing bowel movements isn't normal and after 3 years it kind of has become my normal but I'd like to remember life without it and feeling dizzy and nauseated like I could pass out most days. I want to get out of bed. I want to not take my pain pills for my back for my PMS instead. I want to be able to know if i walk down the hall, driveway, etc around weeks 2-3 (ovulation is never normal or same days) of my cycle I won't cry out in random stabbing pain and drop down and have it gone before someone can rush to me. This cycle I literally thought my ovary burst and it happened at work. It was scary.
1) Are you sure it's not possible? This happens quite a bit actually. Yes I'm very sure. Again it's like saying are you sure it's cancer? Technically it is possible as long as we have sex and I have a uterus, but reality of sustaining a pregnancy even if it implanted is not probable. Infertility is often misconstrued as being about the ability to get pregnant but it actually goes into being able to carry a child full term. There's a fact for ya!
2) Perhaps God gave you this health condition for a reason. I've found myself saying over and over that I feel like God has plans for me and I could be the best foster/adoptive parent ever but seriously? Hey God thought you should be a lefty so he gave you that horrible accident that cost you your right arm. Sounds pretty vicious when you put it that way right?
3) Why can't you just be happy for others? Unless I've said God awful hateful words such as you don't deserve this baby or I hope you miscarry so you can know what miserable means (as in I'd never say those words in a million years!) never assume you know if I am happy for you or others or not. I am happy for you. Sometimes our joy can bring others pain. People who ask this are often the reason I'm not happy though!
4) I/My (random family member)/my neighbor's sister's friend had a miscarriage/took (amount) of years/ was on bed rest and I didn't feel/act/get depressed or post annoying shit like you. Good for you and for them. People grieve differently. People like you are the reason I share the links on etiquette and could use a few more lessons on far more than infertility etiquette. Most of you who offered these words have had kids too so it's a slightly different feelings when ITS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. Look up primary infertility vs secondary infertility. Both hurt but still different.
5) Have you tried (insert random form of health/fertility treatment/supplement)? Most of the ones recommended on message boards promote estrogen growth. That is the last thing I need but indeed does help several other ladies succeed. I'm a pee on a stick pro and can tell you about every phase of the cervix position and it's glorious mucous. If it's an option for me that would work with our situation I've probably tried it or ran it past the experts for opinion. I'm about to technically be homeless and floating between 2 moms and houses in 2 cities with my husband and school and work to deal with on top of building a new home. Anything that requires specific diet or timing just isn't fitting right now no matter how much I'd love to have that miracle happen between now and June.
6) How about adoption? Can't you just adopt? Yes we can and probably will. It all goes back to that point above where we will be homeless. A lot of places charge 700+ dollars to update a home study so we've said from the beginning we'd begin that journey once we were settled into our new home. Why waste the money we'll need to afford caring for a new little one or ones? Besides floating between homes and cities is hard enough with pets I can't imagine denying my husband the bonding with a child or anyone giving us a serious look applying in our current situation. Trust me I've read my information and done my research. I read tons of books and journals all last summer and I am ready to make that step as much as you are to see us succeed.
7) So and so was told it'd never happen and it did for them. That's great for them and I'm super happy they were blessed with a miracle, but I'm not just facing one issue, but several against me. It doesn't mean I've given up hope or being negative because I will always hang on to hope, but I also don't want to get lost in a daydream and miss out on the rest of my life. Knowing that I would have extremely high risks of losing a baby and myself in the second trimester from both of the female issues is hard to stomach. Literally my uterus could rupture from the thin spots of lining as they stretch from having the endo ablated. The septum receives no blood flow and my baby would die from lack of blood if it chose to implant anywhere on that part of my uterus. Before I even knew about those there was the issue of my back. I have 2 full length Herrington rods with crossed fixtures and a spinal infusion at the bottom. Most of a normal pregnancy could be spent on bed rest. We have big babies and twins galore in this family so normal size is out the window. Knowing I could crush my spine just carrying in the 3rd trimester and not be able to have any form of spinal is a big deal. Depending on placement they can try but when you have the surgery I did those holes where they try could not heal and basically leak spinal fluid or cause more arthritis from lack of healing. I couldn't do a vaginal delivery or even a regular c-section. I'd have to be under anesthesia and Shane therefore couldn't even be in the OR to be with our child while I'm out. This was something he was very aware of before we got married on top of the risk that I may not be able to get pregnant at all or easily. I love my husband dearly and he was my best friend before we dated, but that can be hard on a man and I wanted him aware before we said I do.
8) You know you can borrow my kids anytime right? Yes and I love all your kiddos dearly, but I'm not trying to play house 48 hours at a time. I'd still babysit just because in a heart beat though! Auntie Amy's home is always open (well unless I'm working. Even then Shane might still be willing to try it alone if a mom can be on stand by).
9) You're so young it can still happen. A woman at 30 with no health issues working against her has a 10% chance of conceiving in a perfectly timed regular menstrual cycle. Yes people have babies older than me but whether they tell you or not there's a good chance there was something helping them rather than not. Again it goes back to that realistic expectation of my situation. I think people miss signs or just don't read when I share information regarding the specifics and think I've just tried for awhile and think it's not happening. That is far from the case.
10) If they are giving you until June to try and make a baby then you surely have to have good chances. Why not try longer? I honestly think this is a now or never attempt to humor me even though I went in prepared for more surgery and removals and not baby making, but the fact I did well on Lupron took everyone by shock. Sometimes I feel like it could be research but the fact I'm not being monitored tells me nah. After 6 months with no hormones or birth control the beast will inevitably be back to take over my body. It came on so quickly before part of me is terrified to even wait that long. After then I can do another surgery to check out the insides and maybe talk to an RE about IVF options. If I chose not to go that route or they say it's unrealistic then I have to come up with a plan to protect my body from the beast for good. Whether I stay on birth control (and I have issues with IUD's after seeing 3 babies in my small hometown made while on then and put at risk I doubt the 99% effective odds) or do more surgery and maybe more hormones I don't know. I'd like to avoid a hysterectomy as long as possible because I'd just be on hormones anyways from going into menopause that early but we shall see. If it's as bad as it was last May I'll probably just say rip it all out because I can't keep putting my other organs in jeopardy. Filling toilets with blood when passing bowel movements isn't normal and after 3 years it kind of has become my normal but I'd like to remember life without it and feeling dizzy and nauseated like I could pass out most days. I want to get out of bed. I want to not take my pain pills for my back for my PMS instead. I want to be able to know if i walk down the hall, driveway, etc around weeks 2-3 (ovulation is never normal or same days) of my cycle I won't cry out in random stabbing pain and drop down and have it gone before someone can rush to me. This cycle I literally thought my ovary burst and it happened at work. It was scary.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Bad things happen.... now get over it!
Yeah that just happened. Really? Would you tell someone with cancer that they have to get over it? Would you tell a paraplegic to get over it? No. You wouldn't because there's this stigma of what defines a chronic medical condition. Infertility is chronic. My lining of my utereus is not coming back. It won't form a new shape. I can't get pregnant having sex on a perfectly time schedule let alone one drunken time so no I won't get over it. I'm sorry that you feel the need for me to expect sensitivity from FAMILY and FRIENDS is selfish and I'm raining on your parades. Heaven forbid I expect simple human characteristics from those who love us right?
How about shame on you. I've prayed for you that you wouldn't experience a loss after announcing to EVERYONE so damn early without even knowing if it's still viable. Babies stop growing pretty often. You don't have to bleed to miscarry. No one should have to go through what several women I know and love have experienced even after waiting to announce. No one. No one should have to experience what I did at your grandfather's funeral and having random horrific cramps out of no where and experiencing what can only be assumed (based on details I won't go graphically into) as a loss before it was confirmed. What have you done to be there for us??? You ridiculed us at Thanksgiving for shopping because we're trying to save money in every way possible to adopt. It's all about family? Why aren't you offering to help us fundraise if you're so family oriented??? Most of all why haven't you just been there for the person who has been like your brother as he has cried several nights and prayed for our situation to be changed? If you can't have a heart or a filter for me do it for him!
Bad things do happen and I'll still pray that they don't happen to you so you never have to feel the way that we do. But this isn't a bad thing that happened once to me. It's a life altering condition and my situation is so extreme it plays a part in several aspects of my other health issues. I could bleed out and die silently today and not have a warning sign. Infertility isn't just about having a baby or not, it's so much more. Perhaps if you went to school or picked up a book to educate yourself you wouldn't have to be schooled by me on your ignorance. Lord knows I've shared plenty of educational sources to make people understand.
How about you get over my justified hormone induced bad days instead? Or try to understand. Oh that's right that's selfish of me to expect it to be a 2 way street. I guess I forgot who the world revolves around. Actually scratch that. As you said sometimes we say crude things to beg for sympathy. I don't need anyone's sympathy that can't give it naturally and I sure as hell won't beg for it. Same goes for who we allow in our lives. I'd rather be alone right now than have to beg people to be around us who can't offer it naturally. Please don't bother setting us a place at the table!
How about shame on you. I've prayed for you that you wouldn't experience a loss after announcing to EVERYONE so damn early without even knowing if it's still viable. Babies stop growing pretty often. You don't have to bleed to miscarry. No one should have to go through what several women I know and love have experienced even after waiting to announce. No one. No one should have to experience what I did at your grandfather's funeral and having random horrific cramps out of no where and experiencing what can only be assumed (based on details I won't go graphically into) as a loss before it was confirmed. What have you done to be there for us??? You ridiculed us at Thanksgiving for shopping because we're trying to save money in every way possible to adopt. It's all about family? Why aren't you offering to help us fundraise if you're so family oriented??? Most of all why haven't you just been there for the person who has been like your brother as he has cried several nights and prayed for our situation to be changed? If you can't have a heart or a filter for me do it for him!
Bad things do happen and I'll still pray that they don't happen to you so you never have to feel the way that we do. But this isn't a bad thing that happened once to me. It's a life altering condition and my situation is so extreme it plays a part in several aspects of my other health issues. I could bleed out and die silently today and not have a warning sign. Infertility isn't just about having a baby or not, it's so much more. Perhaps if you went to school or picked up a book to educate yourself you wouldn't have to be schooled by me on your ignorance. Lord knows I've shared plenty of educational sources to make people understand.
How about you get over my justified hormone induced bad days instead? Or try to understand. Oh that's right that's selfish of me to expect it to be a 2 way street. I guess I forgot who the world revolves around. Actually scratch that. As you said sometimes we say crude things to beg for sympathy. I don't need anyone's sympathy that can't give it naturally and I sure as hell won't beg for it. Same goes for who we allow in our lives. I'd rather be alone right now than have to beg people to be around us who can't offer it naturally. Please don't bother setting us a place at the table!
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Helping your husband keep the faith...
There are so many message boards and websites for women to overcome facing infertility. I am sure there are some for men as well, but how do you lead them there? My husband and I were laying in bed last week and he informed me he read my blog. Okay no big deal it's his blog too or so I assumed. He says I'm a good writer and he likes that I speak my mind to get the emotions out. I asked what he thinks I should do different and he joked I need to talk about him more. Here you go darling! Then he asked me the question that I think has been plaguing him to have so many sleepless nights (and this is a man who needs 9-10 hours or is a beast):
"How do you stay so strong? More importantly how do you keep your faith in the man above?"
How do you help your husband build back up from the infertile news blow and survive emotionally like we have to? Out of all the books I've read only one had a single chapter for the husband. Where do they get their resources??? I had my huge breakdown once I started my Lupron in July and every pregnancy announcement since then. I always ask him what is on his mind and he just keeps quiet with the usual happy for them, but it sucks kind of comment. I could however see this moment coming and building up which is why I finally flipped my lid right before Christmas on my mother in law about being a bit more sensitive to him since he won't speak up for himself (or for me which is why I ended up back in our old home before I seriously would have ended up on a psych unit at my breaking point). The great joys of infertility depression is that in several adoption situations you can be denied for anti-depressant use as far back as 10 years. It baffles me since it's one of the hardest battles as an adult to handle emotionally. I need my husband to not get taken over by this sudden surge of sadness and especially when others could just be a bit more helpful in that process.
Anyways we're facing the arrival 5 babies in his family this year. Not that I mean to sound like an evil in law, there's just none on my side. Not to mention numerous friends, acquaintances, and those people you see everywhere enough to say hi, but wouldn't know their name if asked. Needless to say very few (again thank you to those who have) have even taken a moment to be sensitive of our situation and it's starting to impact my hubby's heart and sleep. He sincerely wanted to know how I can be strong and have faith in the Lord knowing we are good hearted people who would give anything and would be incredible parents and people who aren't even trying or do not want kids are being blessed with a baby. The classic question every infertile person must face! I told him I haven't always been able to and it's okay to get mad and feel hurt. I mean I see this every day at work for a living. You have to have strength to pull yourself up from rock bottom or we'll just stay there. We just have to trust in the Lord that it will happen for us in one way or another. I believe with all my heart that the Lord knows we are better equipped to love a child who could not be with a biological parent for whatever reason and more likely to be able to welcome that child into our hearts as our own. Not everyone can do this. People say they can and yet I see the dividing lines in my husband's family that I just don't have in mine. I have never referred to my sisters or brother as halfs unless filling out medical paperwork or trying to explain to someone I just met. Full blooded or not they are my siblings. My "step" grandpa is just grandpa. Same goes for my child which will be a grandchild, niece, nephew, or cousin to others. If everyone had to pay an average of 30k to have fertility assistance or adopt with 6k + due up front to even apply, have multiple references, a home study, financial situation reviewed, etc less people would indeed become parents. It just means those of us who are willing to go those extra miles are that much more prepared and aware of what we are entering into as parents. We will be great parents and are destined to be and God knows this. He just wants us to get over this next hump and into that next chapter of life to give us this blessing. I can feel it. I told my niece the same thing. Everyday I feel God's warmth and embrace wrapped around me in a hug whether I am actually crying or feel the urge to. He's listening to all our prayers and trying to tell me to be patient. It will happen.
"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
I really think we need to find a church to get more involved in when we are moved and it will hopefully help me guide him better through scripture. I know it's helped me even when I've felt I've been in the darkest moments of all this. He's lonely. I'm lonely. He begged me to leave at least the cat up there if I'm bringing my dog home because he just needs that comfort. We're both just so ready for May and to be in our own home to grieve together more than just on weekends. I really think we need that as well. He started this job barely a month after we found out and right before I started my Lupron cycle. We've not has much time to process together, but rather just alone on our own. Infertility has so much sadness, madness, and depression to be faced and it's no fun to live out in front of people and feel judged for emotions you have earned the right to feel. At that point we should know if we have a chance at IVF if we don't have a miracle pregnancy by then. If neither then we can be in our home finally to do a home study and start the adoption path. We need to keep each other in emotional check and practice that patience and faith and it will get here before we know it.
"How do you stay so strong? More importantly how do you keep your faith in the man above?"
How do you help your husband build back up from the infertile news blow and survive emotionally like we have to? Out of all the books I've read only one had a single chapter for the husband. Where do they get their resources??? I had my huge breakdown once I started my Lupron in July and every pregnancy announcement since then. I always ask him what is on his mind and he just keeps quiet with the usual happy for them, but it sucks kind of comment. I could however see this moment coming and building up which is why I finally flipped my lid right before Christmas on my mother in law about being a bit more sensitive to him since he won't speak up for himself (or for me which is why I ended up back in our old home before I seriously would have ended up on a psych unit at my breaking point). The great joys of infertility depression is that in several adoption situations you can be denied for anti-depressant use as far back as 10 years. It baffles me since it's one of the hardest battles as an adult to handle emotionally. I need my husband to not get taken over by this sudden surge of sadness and especially when others could just be a bit more helpful in that process.
Anyways we're facing the arrival 5 babies in his family this year. Not that I mean to sound like an evil in law, there's just none on my side. Not to mention numerous friends, acquaintances, and those people you see everywhere enough to say hi, but wouldn't know their name if asked. Needless to say very few (again thank you to those who have) have even taken a moment to be sensitive of our situation and it's starting to impact my hubby's heart and sleep. He sincerely wanted to know how I can be strong and have faith in the Lord knowing we are good hearted people who would give anything and would be incredible parents and people who aren't even trying or do not want kids are being blessed with a baby. The classic question every infertile person must face! I told him I haven't always been able to and it's okay to get mad and feel hurt. I mean I see this every day at work for a living. You have to have strength to pull yourself up from rock bottom or we'll just stay there. We just have to trust in the Lord that it will happen for us in one way or another. I believe with all my heart that the Lord knows we are better equipped to love a child who could not be with a biological parent for whatever reason and more likely to be able to welcome that child into our hearts as our own. Not everyone can do this. People say they can and yet I see the dividing lines in my husband's family that I just don't have in mine. I have never referred to my sisters or brother as halfs unless filling out medical paperwork or trying to explain to someone I just met. Full blooded or not they are my siblings. My "step" grandpa is just grandpa. Same goes for my child which will be a grandchild, niece, nephew, or cousin to others. If everyone had to pay an average of 30k to have fertility assistance or adopt with 6k + due up front to even apply, have multiple references, a home study, financial situation reviewed, etc less people would indeed become parents. It just means those of us who are willing to go those extra miles are that much more prepared and aware of what we are entering into as parents. We will be great parents and are destined to be and God knows this. He just wants us to get over this next hump and into that next chapter of life to give us this blessing. I can feel it. I told my niece the same thing. Everyday I feel God's warmth and embrace wrapped around me in a hug whether I am actually crying or feel the urge to. He's listening to all our prayers and trying to tell me to be patient. It will happen.
"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
I really think we need to find a church to get more involved in when we are moved and it will hopefully help me guide him better through scripture. I know it's helped me even when I've felt I've been in the darkest moments of all this. He's lonely. I'm lonely. He begged me to leave at least the cat up there if I'm bringing my dog home because he just needs that comfort. We're both just so ready for May and to be in our own home to grieve together more than just on weekends. I really think we need that as well. He started this job barely a month after we found out and right before I started my Lupron cycle. We've not has much time to process together, but rather just alone on our own. Infertility has so much sadness, madness, and depression to be faced and it's no fun to live out in front of people and feel judged for emotions you have earned the right to feel. At that point we should know if we have a chance at IVF if we don't have a miracle pregnancy by then. If neither then we can be in our home finally to do a home study and start the adoption path. We need to keep each other in emotional check and practice that patience and faith and it will get here before we know it.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
The Dirty Thirty: That Just Happened
Oh that wonderful marker in a woman's fertile life.... turning 30. The statistics sit heavily on the shoulders and no pressure, but you better succeed by 35 or face even more God awful odds against you. I should probably warn about language now. Sorry they slip and sometimes I just don't care.
They say 90% of a woman's egg supply is done for by 30. Lucky for me I'm an egg producing machine. I'm unofficial PCOS because my labs all come back at the borderline of high side of normal. My mom was the same way though. My ultrasounds however scream holy egg making machine. Ironically I should be the generation that twin making skips if you buy into those tales. Realistically it all comes from your mom or your dad's mom's hyper ovulation genes and which side the twins are on. My sister was a twin originally. I have the cutest twin baby cousins ever. Both sets of my maternal grandparents had twin brothers. I believe my paternal grandfather did as well. If only my biological baby making could work we could naturally face twins much more financially secure than going IVF route.
Okay so off that side tangent that was somewhat related. Why is there so much stigma around hitting 30 mark and childless? Is it perhaps from these statistics that make us fear broken ovens (mine has yet to show as repaired, but I'll give you the number to my repair lady if I miraculously get knocked up between now and June) and bad eggs. We're spoon fed fear that if you don't have a child by 35 you'll probably be facing a Down Syndrome baby amongst other genetic issues. I have a 5 year old sister and those 1 year old twin cousins born to almost 40 year mothers who are pretty darn bright and perfectly fine minus the temper tantrums, but that comes with the ages. :) Sure there was a risk, but everything in life comes with a risk.
I don't think it's the statistics or at least not for myself. I have always listed failure as one of my top fears when asked in interviews and silly surveys. You always hoped you'd have all your shit together by 30. Owning the dream home with a white picket fence, a desk with a shiny name plate across the front that has your name and not followed by assistant, married, still perfect body, and 2 kids running around that fence with a dog. How many of us actually have that? We're in a financial crisis in this country and sometimes based on where you live it may not be wise to commit to buying. Most of my friends who were married in early 20's were divorced and some remarried in late 20's. We were told we had to get a 4 year degree if we wanted to make 50k and several of us did and were not, and are now in school going for what we figured out we want to do in life instead of feeling compelled to just finish school. Granted if you asked me at 18 or even 24 if I could be a nurse I'd have laughed in your face. People change and we find ourselves along the way. My future neighborhood doesn't allow white fences, there's no private desks at a nurses station, and you'd have to climb the fence for a glimpse of my tiny dog running around in it alone. Dreams can change and be altered to fit our situations.
So am I failure for not being a mom by 30??? Absolutely not. What makes us even consider the notion? I blame those damn little quotes and pictures about stretch marks, pregnancy, and kids. Sure they are created to make those who have all those feel better and less self conscious. So are pictures of 6 pack abs and tiny little ladies, but in the end you may still feel like a fat ass sitting behind a computer wanting the body and not sure if you can achieve it even if you lived on water for a month and had time for the gym and plastic surgery like the Real Housewives of (insert city here). FACT: Every time I see one I cringe. I thought it was the depression from the hormones, but I realize I did it before and still feel it now. I've been told that anything I share with crude humor or maybe an F bomb is offensive and that's socially acceptable to most. Guess what I find these just as offensive and insensitive as well. Sure I get that it's cute and every pregnant person does it. But let me tell you this because you may not know how it can make a person feel (and I know you've seen the most popular pictures I've picked to know exactly which ones I'm addressing):
1) I have just as much sensitivity and pride behind the scars all over my abdomen from trying to find a way to get pregnant as you do behind your stretch marks from succeeding. I even have small stretch marks on my thighs it's called I'm getting old and can't eat like I'm 18 anymore. There's no calling them my tiger stripes and roaring about them. It doesn't make me any less of a woman because a baby did not cause them.
2) The happiest moment in your life very well may be finding out you're pregnant the first time. It also may not be for some. Do I think my mom was the happiest in her life finding out at 15 she'd be a mom. Fuck no. Seeing my beautiful huge 12 lb face come out? Probably after she recovered from it all ha JK :) Same goes for those sexually assaulted, pregnant after a night they can't remember, or a night they prefer to forget happened etc. Don't rain on our parades because we can't say that's happiest moment in our life and make sunshine posters that make us feel inadequate if we can't relate. No I won't like or share if I agree because I don't.
3) People outside of the womb can and should hear how your love feels. It doesn't have to be heard only from the inside of your body. You should tell those you love every single day in every single way possible by actions and words. There are babies who hear heartbeats on the inside while being abused in wombs and treated as disposable. It sucks, but it happens. That's why there are people like me who will be there to show them a mother doesn't have to be biological to earn the title. I will probably plaster my wall with the counter picture that says my baby didn't grow under my heart but in it. Touche!
4) You may be proud that all of your free moments are spent with your kids. I admit that I would be too! But I don't have kids yet and if I want to go to a bar, on a vacation, to a concert, shopping, get a pedicure, enjoy a dinner alone with my husband, and cringe at the thought of Jumping Joeys and Chuckie Cheeses worldwide it's my right as someone who doesn't have kids in this moment. It doesn't make me irresponsible or wreckless (love how those words always get thrown out there) same as it doesn't make you more responsible, it just means I don't have kids and have those options babysitter not required. Even parents need alone time and a night out. And on that note just because we don't have kids don't tell us we're lucky and how it must be nice to get adult time in a sarcastic tone. It goes straight to an infertile's bones and is always on the lists of what NOT to say. I felt this way before we even started trying!
5) Dear Abby, Laura, Ann or who the eff ever she is these days... yeah you know the picture. It relates to the point above. The insensitive childless friend who doesn't understand why her friend who is a mother can't understand she's busy or be okay with the kids being around when they get time together. The columnist rips into her. Oh it's been flying through my news feed and I've been biting my tongue hard! Dear columnist and friends who could not have said it better yourself: Sometimes your kids are a reminder of our pain so we'd prefer alone time with you, especially if it is an infant and we could have suffered a loss. We see your child as the child we could have right now. We value you as a friend and find comfort in you and sometimes need just you to make it better. Sometimes activities just aren't suited for toddlers. It's okay. I don't expect a child to tolerate my white trash bash birthday as easily as I do the Elmo ones because I'm old enough :) And sometimes your kids are just little shits that you don't make mind and I have a right to not want my stuff that I've worked really hard for and earned destroyed in my own home. I don't expect to bring puppies that chew furniture and aren't house broken into your home for visits and for you to understand because it's the compassionate human thing to do. If you're constantly asked to leave them at home by multiple people, it's probably not us. It could very well be your child's manners or your inability to notice yet get angry if we speak up for you. I was raised to not touch my grandma's table full of crystal and guess what it was never broken.
6) Last but not least the "Just a Mom" pictures. Most who post them are fantastic stay at home type of moms. You've earned that pride! Its the fact I'm suddenly seeing it by what I like to call breeders though. You know the not so lovely ladies who keep making babies and can't keep custody or just give it away freely. No you're not just a mom. In fact you're not a mom at all. I have never given birth in my life and possess more mom qualities and characteristics in my pinky finger than you who chooses to see your child minimal required visits if that. Dead beat moms are worse than dead beat dads in my opinion because you had that 9 months to fall in love, bond, and feel all those precious moments that you took for granted. I would give anything to feel those kicks and hiccups. ANYTHING!
They say 90% of a woman's egg supply is done for by 30. Lucky for me I'm an egg producing machine. I'm unofficial PCOS because my labs all come back at the borderline of high side of normal. My mom was the same way though. My ultrasounds however scream holy egg making machine. Ironically I should be the generation that twin making skips if you buy into those tales. Realistically it all comes from your mom or your dad's mom's hyper ovulation genes and which side the twins are on. My sister was a twin originally. I have the cutest twin baby cousins ever. Both sets of my maternal grandparents had twin brothers. I believe my paternal grandfather did as well. If only my biological baby making could work we could naturally face twins much more financially secure than going IVF route.
Okay so off that side tangent that was somewhat related. Why is there so much stigma around hitting 30 mark and childless? Is it perhaps from these statistics that make us fear broken ovens (mine has yet to show as repaired, but I'll give you the number to my repair lady if I miraculously get knocked up between now and June) and bad eggs. We're spoon fed fear that if you don't have a child by 35 you'll probably be facing a Down Syndrome baby amongst other genetic issues. I have a 5 year old sister and those 1 year old twin cousins born to almost 40 year mothers who are pretty darn bright and perfectly fine minus the temper tantrums, but that comes with the ages. :) Sure there was a risk, but everything in life comes with a risk.
I don't think it's the statistics or at least not for myself. I have always listed failure as one of my top fears when asked in interviews and silly surveys. You always hoped you'd have all your shit together by 30. Owning the dream home with a white picket fence, a desk with a shiny name plate across the front that has your name and not followed by assistant, married, still perfect body, and 2 kids running around that fence with a dog. How many of us actually have that? We're in a financial crisis in this country and sometimes based on where you live it may not be wise to commit to buying. Most of my friends who were married in early 20's were divorced and some remarried in late 20's. We were told we had to get a 4 year degree if we wanted to make 50k and several of us did and were not, and are now in school going for what we figured out we want to do in life instead of feeling compelled to just finish school. Granted if you asked me at 18 or even 24 if I could be a nurse I'd have laughed in your face. People change and we find ourselves along the way. My future neighborhood doesn't allow white fences, there's no private desks at a nurses station, and you'd have to climb the fence for a glimpse of my tiny dog running around in it alone. Dreams can change and be altered to fit our situations.
So am I failure for not being a mom by 30??? Absolutely not. What makes us even consider the notion? I blame those damn little quotes and pictures about stretch marks, pregnancy, and kids. Sure they are created to make those who have all those feel better and less self conscious. So are pictures of 6 pack abs and tiny little ladies, but in the end you may still feel like a fat ass sitting behind a computer wanting the body and not sure if you can achieve it even if you lived on water for a month and had time for the gym and plastic surgery like the Real Housewives of (insert city here). FACT: Every time I see one I cringe. I thought it was the depression from the hormones, but I realize I did it before and still feel it now. I've been told that anything I share with crude humor or maybe an F bomb is offensive and that's socially acceptable to most. Guess what I find these just as offensive and insensitive as well. Sure I get that it's cute and every pregnant person does it. But let me tell you this because you may not know how it can make a person feel (and I know you've seen the most popular pictures I've picked to know exactly which ones I'm addressing):
1) I have just as much sensitivity and pride behind the scars all over my abdomen from trying to find a way to get pregnant as you do behind your stretch marks from succeeding. I even have small stretch marks on my thighs it's called I'm getting old and can't eat like I'm 18 anymore. There's no calling them my tiger stripes and roaring about them. It doesn't make me any less of a woman because a baby did not cause them.
2) The happiest moment in your life very well may be finding out you're pregnant the first time. It also may not be for some. Do I think my mom was the happiest in her life finding out at 15 she'd be a mom. Fuck no. Seeing my beautiful huge 12 lb face come out? Probably after she recovered from it all ha JK :) Same goes for those sexually assaulted, pregnant after a night they can't remember, or a night they prefer to forget happened etc. Don't rain on our parades because we can't say that's happiest moment in our life and make sunshine posters that make us feel inadequate if we can't relate. No I won't like or share if I agree because I don't.
3) People outside of the womb can and should hear how your love feels. It doesn't have to be heard only from the inside of your body. You should tell those you love every single day in every single way possible by actions and words. There are babies who hear heartbeats on the inside while being abused in wombs and treated as disposable. It sucks, but it happens. That's why there are people like me who will be there to show them a mother doesn't have to be biological to earn the title. I will probably plaster my wall with the counter picture that says my baby didn't grow under my heart but in it. Touche!
4) You may be proud that all of your free moments are spent with your kids. I admit that I would be too! But I don't have kids yet and if I want to go to a bar, on a vacation, to a concert, shopping, get a pedicure, enjoy a dinner alone with my husband, and cringe at the thought of Jumping Joeys and Chuckie Cheeses worldwide it's my right as someone who doesn't have kids in this moment. It doesn't make me irresponsible or wreckless (love how those words always get thrown out there) same as it doesn't make you more responsible, it just means I don't have kids and have those options babysitter not required. Even parents need alone time and a night out. And on that note just because we don't have kids don't tell us we're lucky and how it must be nice to get adult time in a sarcastic tone. It goes straight to an infertile's bones and is always on the lists of what NOT to say. I felt this way before we even started trying!
5) Dear Abby, Laura, Ann or who the eff ever she is these days... yeah you know the picture. It relates to the point above. The insensitive childless friend who doesn't understand why her friend who is a mother can't understand she's busy or be okay with the kids being around when they get time together. The columnist rips into her. Oh it's been flying through my news feed and I've been biting my tongue hard! Dear columnist and friends who could not have said it better yourself: Sometimes your kids are a reminder of our pain so we'd prefer alone time with you, especially if it is an infant and we could have suffered a loss. We see your child as the child we could have right now. We value you as a friend and find comfort in you and sometimes need just you to make it better. Sometimes activities just aren't suited for toddlers. It's okay. I don't expect a child to tolerate my white trash bash birthday as easily as I do the Elmo ones because I'm old enough :) And sometimes your kids are just little shits that you don't make mind and I have a right to not want my stuff that I've worked really hard for and earned destroyed in my own home. I don't expect to bring puppies that chew furniture and aren't house broken into your home for visits and for you to understand because it's the compassionate human thing to do. If you're constantly asked to leave them at home by multiple people, it's probably not us. It could very well be your child's manners or your inability to notice yet get angry if we speak up for you. I was raised to not touch my grandma's table full of crystal and guess what it was never broken.
6) Last but not least the "Just a Mom" pictures. Most who post them are fantastic stay at home type of moms. You've earned that pride! Its the fact I'm suddenly seeing it by what I like to call breeders though. You know the not so lovely ladies who keep making babies and can't keep custody or just give it away freely. No you're not just a mom. In fact you're not a mom at all. I have never given birth in my life and possess more mom qualities and characteristics in my pinky finger than you who chooses to see your child minimal required visits if that. Dead beat moms are worse than dead beat dads in my opinion because you had that 9 months to fall in love, bond, and feel all those precious moments that you took for granted. I would give anything to feel those kicks and hiccups. ANYTHING!
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
That was quick!
Everything I've read said to expect generally a 3 month wait for Aunt Flo to return after the 6 month dose of Lupron. It took 3 days of being finished with my add back! No idea if this is a good sign or bad, but hoping Mother Nature is trying to give me a stellar gift of hope for my birthday. It came on hardcore and quick and I thought I'd have left working vomitting by now, but I'm okay. Then again the cramping came on so fast I popped muscle relaxer from my back to help work be tolerable. Good thing I ordered mass quantities of ovulation sticks early because I have no idea what to expect at all. I'm dreading facing 2 week waits again. I was comfortable not having that constant judging every moment of your life as a sign and worrying. Knowing it's now or never I fear it'll be even more intense. Sooooo after the dirty thirty hits Saturday I'm cutting my caffeine habit and working on reducing the gluten and red meat. I've woke up every day mid sleep so hot I was nauseated so no temping this cycle for this gal. I think we'll see if I can get regulated better off the hormones first and maybe next cycle pick it back up.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Last dose of Add Back!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Do you believe in signs?
Last year I gave in with some ladies on my chat boards and did a fertility psychic reading. After a few more pregnancy announcements (including Kim K ugh. Kanye as a dad lord help us! I just feel for Khloe and Lamar) I decided to do an update reading since my diagnosis obviously changed my predicted date. I mean it's hard to get pregnant when you're not having a cycle! I didn't give her any dates for what is pending, just told her I am wrapping up a hormone induced menopause. As you all know we're basically allowed one last try until June (I go back April 2nd for my regular female visit and check up) and then we can meet with a RE to see if he feels anything is possible. Otherwise I go on birth control or hormones to suppress the endo and hope I don't need a hysterectomy asap. Here is what the psychic sent back.
Hi Amy,
Your reading reveals that your
BFP news comes the month of July from a cycle that begins in June. The
baby shows as a girl and her EDD/birth date is referenced the month of
March 2014 - specific reference to the 14th and 21st.
Jennifer
Ladies on my endo board question even trying for 6 months and say if I'm comfortable to just try IVF asap while I'm still "clean" inside. I still don't know that I'd even want to try it and risk losing that money. Thousands of dollars that could be spent bettering the life of an orphan that may or may not even make a baby. Or couple make multiple when already facing IUGR and from a family of very large babies. So many risks that weigh heavy on the heart and mind. This reading though makes me think it's a sign that it's our only shot at biologically ours babies. But then again the old wives' tale ring test has always given me 2 boys so I guess you just have to decide what signs lead you down the right path and whether or not it's all hocus pocus. It's still fun to dream though.
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