Helping your husband keep the faith...

There are so many message boards and websites for women to overcome facing infertility.  I am sure there are some for men as well, but how do you lead them there?  My husband and I were laying in bed last week and he informed me he read my blog. Okay no big deal it's his blog too or so I assumed.  He says I'm a good writer and he likes that I speak my mind to get the emotions out.  I asked what he thinks I should do different and he joked I need to talk about him more.  Here you go darling! Then he asked me the question that I think has been plaguing him to have so many sleepless nights (and this is a man who needs 9-10 hours or is a beast):

 "How do you stay so strong? More importantly how do you keep your faith in the man above?"

How do you help your husband build back up from the infertile news blow and survive emotionally like we have to?  Out of all the books I've read only one had a single chapter for the husband.  Where do they get their resources???  I had my huge breakdown once I started my Lupron in July and every pregnancy announcement since then.  I always ask him what is on his mind and he just keeps quiet with the usual happy for them, but it sucks kind of comment.  I could however see this moment coming and building up which is why I finally flipped my lid right before Christmas on my mother in law about being a bit more sensitive to him since he won't speak up for himself (or for me which is why I ended up back in our old home before I seriously would have ended up on a psych unit at my breaking point). The great joys of infertility depression is that in several adoption situations you can be denied for anti-depressant use as far back as 10 years.  It baffles me since it's one of the hardest battles as an adult to handle emotionally.  I need my husband to not get taken over by this sudden surge of sadness and especially when others could just be a bit more helpful in that process. 

Anyways we're facing the arrival 5 babies in his family this year.  Not that I mean to sound like an evil in law, there's just none on my side.  Not to mention numerous friends, acquaintances, and those people you see everywhere enough to say hi, but wouldn't know their name if asked.  Needless to say very few (again thank you to those who have) have even taken a moment to be sensitive of our situation and it's starting to impact my hubby's heart and sleep.  He sincerely wanted to know how I can be strong and have faith in the Lord knowing we are good hearted people who would give anything and would be incredible parents and people who aren't even trying or do not want kids are being blessed with a baby. The classic question every infertile person must face!  I told him I haven't always been able to and it's okay to get mad and feel hurt.  I mean I see this every day at work for a living.  You have to have strength to pull yourself up from rock bottom or we'll just stay there.  We just have to trust in the Lord that it will happen for us in one way or another.  I believe with all my heart that the Lord knows we are better equipped to love a child who could not be with a biological parent for whatever reason and more likely to be able to welcome that child into our hearts as our own.  Not everyone can do this.  People say they can and yet I see the dividing lines in my husband's family that I just don't have in mine.  I have never referred to my sisters or brother as halfs unless filling out medical paperwork or trying to explain to someone I just met.  Full blooded or not they are my siblings.  My "step" grandpa is just grandpa.  Same goes for my child which will be a grandchild, niece, nephew, or cousin to others. If everyone had to pay an average of 30k to have fertility assistance or adopt with 6k + due up front to even apply, have multiple references, a home study, financial situation reviewed, etc less people would indeed become parents.  It just means those of us who are willing to go those extra miles are that much more prepared and aware of what we are entering into as parents. We will be great parents and are destined to be and God knows this.  He just wants us to get over this next hump and into that next chapter of life to give us this blessing.  I can feel it.  I told my niece the same thing. Everyday I feel God's warmth and embrace wrapped around me in a hug whether I am actually crying or feel the urge to.  He's listening to all our prayers and trying to tell me to be patient.  It will happen.

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

I really think we need to find a church to get more involved in when we are moved and it will hopefully help me guide him better through scripture.  I know it's helped me even when I've felt I've been in the darkest moments of all this.  He's lonely. I'm lonely.  He begged me to leave at least the cat up there if I'm bringing my dog home because he just needs that comfort.  We're both just so ready for May and to be in our own home to grieve together more than just on weekends.  I really think we need that as well.  He started this job barely a month after we found out and right before I started my Lupron cycle.  We've not has much time to process together, but rather just alone on our own.  Infertility has so much sadness, madness, and depression to be faced and it's no fun to live out in front of people and feel judged for emotions you have earned the right to feel.  At that point we should know if we have a chance at IVF if we don't have a miracle pregnancy by then.  If neither then we can be in our home finally to do a home study and start the adoption path.  We need to keep each other in emotional check and practice that patience and faith and it will get here before we know it.