Infertile Myrtle Here Survived the Holidays!

Well I made it through Christmas! Technically we have one celebration left tomorrow but that SHOULD be smooth sailing. Should being the key word! It wasn't as bad as I feared especially reading other forums and blogs, but not as perfect as I hoped. My husband was shocked at my dad not saying much but he's been one of my biggest supporters and that's not always been our relationship. I think he is one of the few who can see the absolute pain in my eyes and know to not push it. The man asked for grandkids long before i had a husband so i can see Shane's shock. He's now asking for more fur grandbabies instead. Christmas Eve night was my holiday and I dreaded seeing pregnant bellies and Christmas miracles being born. Most nights I'm okay with my job because I do sincerely love it, but it was the last place I wanted to spend a holiday centered around children knowing we thought for sure we'd be celebrating a first Christmas this year. I ended up in a 1:1 (constant supervising a patient for safety for those outside the medical world) with a very dear to me special needs patient and got to play Santa. If I couldn't be with my husband to deal with my grief this patient is the one who could help me through it and boy did I need it. I cried when I got to work and my partner was the desk person. Being young and not engaged let alone baby crazed she didn't get it but then again she never gets anything that's not about her.

We didn't have to face any "surprise" pregnancy announcements which was good for my sanity. I don't know why but i was scared to death my cousin would say she's having number 2. I think I was more scared of upsetting her if I was upset though because I hate feeling like a monster. I only saw a few random Facebook announcements. One a friend who has been trying longer than we have, another who just lost her mom. The third was interesting. Someone from my class (yes 2001) is going to be a GRANDMA. I sincerely never thought I'd see the day friends were grandparents before I was a mom no matter how I get there!

I really feared the in laws since I had literally under 2 hour nap after working all night and almost 2 hours over. Thanksgiving was filled with constant chatter and at one point yelling at the world to check out my sister in law's growing belly and me left with a severely sore tongue from biting it. It was much calmer and perhaps my finally blowing my lid the week before helped put the lack of sensitivity in perspective. I didn't cry hysterically looking at family photos that were suddenly maternity shots and I didn't feel compelled to stomp the stocking for the baby not due until April hanging above the fireplace even though the "constant visual reminder" I labeled it the week before still hung with it in my mind. Luckily I'm truly excited for this sweet baby girl because after all I did pray for a girl. I got a sewing machine for Christmas and I can't wait start her quilt. I'll just be better with it all once she's on the outside.

You see I've learned I'm different than some infertiles in that I don't get upset with having children present. It's unfortunately pregnant women that send me into emotional overdrive. My cousin mentioned above's little boy helped me see this. He is the most beautiful baby boy I've ever seen. He was an even bigger star in pictures I took than my sisters! I didn't hide from him or anything of the sort. In fact I wanted to be with him as much as possible because it helped seeing his gorgeous smile and hearing his giggle at my dog or little sister. I know for others that could hurt, but we all grieve differently. It's something i should have seen coming as I worked instead of going to a few dear friends showers this past year. That's not me at all. Friends and family have always prevailed. I think deep down its because i know I can and will be a mom, but these children will grow in my heart and not in my uterus. I don't ache for motherhood, I yearn for pregnancy. Time will tell one way or another I suppose.