The Dirty Thirty: That Just Happened

Oh that wonderful marker in a woman's fertile life.... turning 30.  The statistics sit heavily on the shoulders and no pressure, but you better succeed by 35 or face even more God awful odds against you.  I should probably warn about language now. Sorry they slip and sometimes I just don't care. 

They say 90% of a woman's egg supply is done for by 30.  Lucky for me I'm an egg producing machine. I'm unofficial PCOS because my labs all come back at the borderline of high side of normal.  My mom was the same way though.  My ultrasounds however scream holy egg making machine.  Ironically I should be the generation that twin making skips if you buy into those tales.  Realistically it all comes from your mom or your dad's mom's hyper ovulation genes and which side the twins are on.  My sister was a twin originally.  I have the cutest twin baby cousins ever.  Both sets of my maternal grandparents had twin brothers.  I believe my paternal grandfather did as well.  If only my biological baby making could work we could naturally face twins much more financially secure than going IVF route. 

Okay so off that side tangent that was somewhat related.  Why is there so much stigma around hitting 30 mark and childless?  Is it perhaps from these statistics that make us fear broken ovens (mine has yet to show as repaired, but I'll give you the number to my repair lady if I miraculously get knocked up between now and June) and bad eggs.  We're spoon fed fear that if you don't have a child by 35 you'll probably be facing a Down Syndrome baby amongst other genetic issues.  I have a 5 year old sister and those 1 year old twin cousins born to almost 40 year mothers who are pretty darn bright and perfectly fine minus the temper tantrums, but that comes with the ages. :)  Sure there was a risk, but everything in life comes with a risk. 

I don't think it's the statistics or at least not for myself.  I have always listed failure as one of my top fears when asked in interviews and silly surveys.  You always hoped you'd have all your shit together by 30.  Owning the dream home with a white picket fence, a desk with a shiny name plate across the front that has your name and not followed by assistant, married, still perfect body, and 2 kids running around that fence with a dog.  How many of us actually have that?  We're in a financial crisis in this country and sometimes based on where you live it may not be wise to commit to buying.  Most of my friends who were married in early 20's were divorced and some remarried in late 20's.  We were told we had to get a 4 year degree if we wanted to make 50k and several of us did and were not, and are now in school going for what we figured out we want to do in life instead of feeling compelled to just finish school.  Granted if you asked me at 18 or even 24 if I could be a nurse I'd have laughed in your face.  People change and we find ourselves along the way.  My future neighborhood doesn't allow white fences, there's no private desks at a nurses station, and you'd have to climb the fence for a glimpse of my tiny dog running around in it alone.  Dreams can change and be altered to fit our situations. 

So am I failure for not being a mom by 30??? Absolutely not.  What makes us even consider the notion? I blame those damn little quotes and pictures about stretch marks, pregnancy, and kids.  Sure they are created to make those who have all those feel better and less self conscious.  So are pictures of 6 pack abs and tiny little ladies, but in the end you may still feel like a fat ass sitting behind a computer wanting the body and not sure if you can achieve it even if you lived on water for a month and had time for the gym and plastic surgery like the Real Housewives of (insert city here).  FACT: Every time I see one I cringe.  I thought it was the depression from the hormones, but I realize I did it before and still feel it now.  I've been told that anything I share with crude humor or maybe an F bomb is offensive and that's socially acceptable to most.  Guess what I find these just as offensive and insensitive as well.  Sure I get that it's cute and every pregnant person does it. But let me tell you this because you may not know how it can make a person feel (and I know you've seen the most popular pictures I've picked to know exactly which ones I'm addressing):

1) I have just as much sensitivity and pride behind the scars all over my abdomen from trying to find a way to get pregnant as you do behind your stretch marks from succeeding.  I even have small stretch marks on my thighs it's called I'm getting old and can't eat like I'm 18 anymore.  There's no calling them my tiger stripes and roaring about them.  It doesn't make me any less of a woman because a baby did not cause them. 

2)  The happiest moment in your life very well may be finding out you're pregnant the first time.  It also may not be for some.  Do I think my mom was the happiest in her life finding out at 15 she'd be a mom.  Fuck no.  Seeing my beautiful huge 12 lb face come out? Probably after she recovered from it all ha JK :) Same goes for those sexually assaulted, pregnant after a night they can't remember, or a night they prefer to forget happened etc.  Don't rain on our parades because we can't say that's  happiest moment in our life and make sunshine posters that make us feel inadequate if we can't relate.  No I won't like or share if I agree because I don't. 

3)  People outside of the womb can and should hear how your love feels.  It doesn't have to be heard only from the inside of your body.  You should tell those you love every single day in every single way possible by actions and words.  There are babies who hear heartbeats on the inside while being abused in wombs and treated as disposable.  It sucks, but it happens.  That's why there are people like me who will be there to show them a mother doesn't have to be biological to earn the title.  I will probably plaster my wall with the counter picture that says my baby didn't grow under my heart but in it. Touche!

4) You may be proud that all of your free moments are spent with your kids.  I admit that I would be too!  But I don't have kids yet and if I want to go to a bar, on a vacation, to a concert, shopping, get a pedicure, enjoy a dinner alone with my husband, and cringe at the thought of Jumping Joeys and Chuckie Cheeses worldwide it's my right as someone who doesn't have kids in this moment. It doesn't make me irresponsible or wreckless (love how those words always get thrown out there) same as it doesn't make you more responsible, it just means I don't have kids and have those options babysitter not required.  Even parents need alone time and a night out. And on that note just because we don't have kids don't tell us we're lucky and how it must be nice to get adult time in a sarcastic tone.  It goes straight to an infertile's bones and is always on the lists of what NOT to say. I felt this way before we even started trying!

5) Dear Abby, Laura, Ann or who the eff ever she is these days... yeah you know the picture. It relates to the point above.  The insensitive childless friend who doesn't understand why her friend who is a mother can't understand she's busy or be okay with the kids being around when they get time together.  The columnist rips into her.  Oh it's been flying through my news feed and I've been biting my tongue hard!  Dear columnist and friends who could not have said it better yourself:  Sometimes your kids are a reminder of our pain so we'd prefer alone time with you, especially if it is an infant and we could have suffered a loss. We see your child as the child we could have right now. We value you as a friend and find comfort in you and sometimes need just you to make it better.  Sometimes activities just aren't suited for toddlers.  It's okay.  I don't expect a child to tolerate my white trash bash birthday as easily as I do the Elmo ones because I'm old enough :) And sometimes your kids are just little shits that you don't make mind and I have a right to not want my stuff that I've worked really hard for and earned destroyed in my own home.  I don't expect to bring puppies that chew furniture and aren't house broken into your home for visits and for you to understand because it's the compassionate human thing to do.  If you're constantly asked to leave them at home by multiple people, it's probably not us. It could very well be your child's manners or your inability to notice yet get angry if we speak up for you.  I was raised to not touch my grandma's table full of crystal and guess what it was never broken. 

6) Last but not least the "Just a Mom" pictures.  Most who post them are fantastic stay at home type of moms.  You've earned that pride!  Its the fact I'm suddenly seeing it by what I like to call breeders though.  You know the not so lovely ladies who keep making babies and can't keep custody or just give it away freely.  No you're not just a mom. In fact you're not a mom at all.  I have never given birth in my life and possess more mom qualities and characteristics in my pinky finger than you who chooses to see your child minimal required visits if that.  Dead beat moms are worse than dead beat dads in my opinion because you had that 9 months to fall in love, bond, and feel all those precious moments that you took for granted. I would give anything to feel those kicks and hiccups. ANYTHING!