Friday, August 2, 2013

We moved! Now to prepare for the home study and education!

Well I apologize as we've moved and time has just been away from me. I promise to be a better and more consistent blogger from here on out.  Things are good I suppose.  I left my job working post partum to work strictly pediatrics at a Children's Hospital closer to our new home.  I miss my coworkers terribly but I knew my future was in pediatrics and honestly I think it'll help me emotionally be stronger in this journey.  I did fine for the most part, but the past few months when I'd be stuck working on the unit 3-4 nights in a row it would never seem to fail it would be as my god awful girl time was drawing near and I was emotionally unstable enough from hormones. 

Now that we've moved we have updated our address on our licenses which means.... HOME STUDY time in the near future!  Most of the followers who do know me personally know that we've chosen to go the foster to adoption route for a couple of years.  We're still finishing up school and while I could probably fundraise out the wazoo, I would rather wait before we attempt an agency placed domestic adoption until we're better able to afford financially.  The thought of being picked to be parents and not being able to come up with the thousands of dollars needed in a potentially short period of time breaks my heart.  I hate that it all comes down to money.  A baby is a person for pete's sake! 

Sure I know foster parenting isn't guaranteed to adopt.  While a reunification is hard to see, I also trust in the Lord that whatever is best for the children placed with us will be.  Perhaps it's the healthcare worker in me but I know that their time with us will be filled with love and total nourishing and nurturing care and we will make their world better for them while in our arms.  Even agency placed adoptions don't always pan out. I watch I'm Having Their Baby religiously.  This season has had several ladies decide to keep their babies.  Most who do not know much on adoption don't realize several of those couples lose that money they put towards that placement.  I found that out at work when adoptions would fall through and other coworkers had no idea.  Sure if it was a steady reliable parent situation you're happy but I also feel for the potential parents who missed out.  They've essentially lost a baby they've hoped for and that money towards a future placement.  It's all just scary business and that's what it comes down to for some agencies. It's business and money.  If we get to the point we're considering agency instead I know one that is newer in our area that I really liked from a fertility fair and had a distant basically family member (aunt's niece on the other side) just get placed by them last weekend.  I didn't even know they were pursuing and to find out they liked the same agency was comforting. 

So yeah we've been buying things here and there.  State of IN requires you to have the beds and car seats ready for home study to show that you could take a kid that day if needed that are age appropriate.  It feels weird to have a nursery set like we're creepers waiting to steal a baby in the night but it makes sense.  I find comfort in knowing that they require cribs and car seats that pass safety guidelines because I'm huge on infant safety!  We are willing to take a child newborn-school age but not opposed to school age and older if it means a family would not be separated.  We found the crib and changing table on Shane's classifieds at work and I bought a brand new mattress and bedding.  We already had the travel system and it's good through Jan 2017.  We know which 2 convertible car seats we want just have to buy them.  We'll have my sisters bunk beds in the "big kid room" as we call it which is also going to be the playroom for now until we grow.  Our guest room and nursery will be combined to be ready for either and the 4th bedroom will be my craft room, but totally a storage room and mainly the room for the cat box at the moment.  It's the smallest and right off of our room so we can easily transform it to be a small nursery or guest room if we end up with more than one infant or toddler and need to reuse our space.  Once it's all put away the house will be officially a home and ready.  Guess I better sign off and get to work on some more of that! :) 

Have a blessed weekend!

Friday, April 26, 2013

As NIAW 2013 comes to a close...

I want to thank each and every person who shared my Infertility Awareness profile picture on Facebook. 37 shares!  It's a tiny percentage of my "friends" on there (and most were shares off of shares) but it's such a taboo subject that I think it's huge! You folks are what kept me going when some of those close to us chose to be hurtful.  I have some of the greatest "chosen family members" in my friends that a lady could ask for!

We went to a NIAW week event in Carmel that was a family building fair.  There were lots of vendors from adoption agencies, fertility clinics, and health related places.  We got to speak to the ladies in charge of our district for State of Indiana DCS.  We found out that we basically have passed 2 of the major steps towards becoming foster parents.  We're already CPR certified and the fact we both work for hospitals shows we can pass a background check.  There's a growing need in the county we're moving to more so for socioeconomically related cases rather than abuse I guess.  They also said since I work in pediatric health care we'd most likely get those calls at 2am or whenever it's a small child with a health concern such as a newborn in withdrawal etc or needing follow up at Riley's even as tiny as asthma.  We felt good after our conversation with them.

We also met a very nice lady (her name was Amy!) from an adoption agency that we clicked with right away.  I like that they don't necessarily have to be the "locator" of the baby and if you're an extrovert they can help you market yourself more to avoid more fees involved.  Sounds perfect for us!  She had lots of great advice and was really the only one I found comfortable to talk with that wasn't related to foster care.  We listened an adoption attorney speak but for the most part I knew all the basics but she touched a little more in depth on home study specifics in the state of Indiana.  Looks like I need to find my job in Indy sooner than later or we'll be paying for an addendum.  She also touched on the fact people who adopt more than once sometimes go different routes on each adoption.  I could see me being one of those people being comfortable with different situations at different times.

We met a nurse (also named Amy! I think it was a sign) and another doctor from the fertility group we receive a discount through as Community employee and spouse.  They said they have great rates of like 80% pregnancy success but that's just on the people it is possible for I pointed out. I have a lot of issues that can all come into play health wise and it's not just about the endo.  I say that over and over on here and in conversation, but I really don't think people register the fact it's more than having stage IV Endo.  Sure you can say you'd get me pregnant, but what can you offer in terms of sustaining it through the 3rd trimester? We're probably going to go speak to him at some point this summer after moving, but I won't hold my breath.  As I have always said you'd have to have some amazing odds for me specifically o get me to consider risking all our savings and then some that could be spent on adopting another child. 

I think we've ultimately come to an agreement we know we want to foster whether we chose to do IVF at some point or adopt through an agency so we're going to get a hold of them to start our education.  I'm pretty excited!  Until I'm done with school it makes more sense economically to try to adopt through foster care first and I've always felt as though I was called to it by God.  It fits into the path of me going back to school etc where I said I felt as though God came to me and wanted me to do more to help others when I chose to leave my last employer.  I realize it will be tough in cases where we would not get to keep the children as our own, but I'm very aware that reunification of family is the ultimate goal and as it should be whether it's the parent or a relative.  It'll be weird having a house set up and ready for babies and toddlers with no kids but you never know when that phone will ring!  Even if we contracted through an agency, placements can and do fall through (granted not as long as a process but still) and I've witnessed 2 myself in the past 2 weeks.  You have to risk the heartache for the happiness.  I just keep reminding myself of all the placements I have seen and the hope that they give me when they leave a family bonded with love, not genetics. 

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

It's been too long....

Sorry after all the drama at the end of January I just needed a break.  Really I felt as though I've been walking on eggshells and suddenly I'm back to square one where I have to question why is that I have to walk on them but others can't in regards to my feelings? Pretty much this is my thoughts:  

In the mean time, we've sold a house, started building another, my husband had shoulder surgery, and I've just had my usual work and school load to deal with on top of everything else.  I went on the 3rd for my annual pap visit.  Cycles still aren't normal and in fact I keep getting multiple waves of positive LH surges which is expected coming off of hormone suppressants.  Basically unless I agree to do monitored cycles we'll never know if I am still capable of ovulating. The whole IVF discussion came back up and how it's pretty much the only chance since I'm facing so many complexities.  Right now I just want to know my Endo isn't growing back and that 55+ day cycles won't be my new normal. If I reach 35 days I have to do even more rounds of hormones to induce cycles which is what I'm doing now.  I'm so sick of pills to make my body do what it should do.  I've felt like my boobs could burst at the touch of a damn shower for over 2 weeks so just bring on the wrath of ovarian war for pete's sake!  That's right I have my cranky pants on! 

I agreed to consider doing monitored cycles in June and July potentially to watch my cycle to see if it is working. I'm not a fan of having to take Clomid but I'll do a few and listen to what an RE has to say.  As I've said before it'd have to be some extremely great odds for me to risk throwing away that much money that could just be spent on adoption, especially while I'm wrapping up school so basically broke!  The RE who offers a discount through my husband's job is speaking at an event during National Infertility Awareness Week specifically on Endometriosis so I signed up to attend.  There will also be several adoption services present at the fair.  I'm pretty excited even though it's a depressing reason to get to be part of a "group" if you will. 

Any who I promise to not stay away so long again in the future.  I've never been one to let people get to me so I'm not sure if it was the melt down of pressure or the fact people were lashing out at others in the family because of me.  It just makes matters worse to handle when you're not scared of confrontation and married to someone who avoids it like the plague and won't stand up for you.  Sometimes your spouse needs to come first instead of back peddling to keep the peace otherwise it's like we're in this alone instead of together. 

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Keeping the dream alive

After doing some thinking the past month I decided to talk to my husband last weekend when he was home.  You know from my blog that I was broad sided when the doctor told me she was going to give us 6 months to try. I had spent all summer long reading book after book on adoption and even into the fall trying to make peace with the fact I would never be a biological mother.  I still might not be and realistically probably won't.  It's taken it's toll on me from one end to the other to have a chance thrown back at me, especially when I literally felt at peace with my low blow.  I honestly think this has made dealing with the emotions worse and perhaps the jealousy when I hear someone else is pregnant.  It's one thing to think you can't be and another to know you could be and trying.  We're about to hit the 2 year mark in April and maybe the anniversary is haunting me. 

Anyways after researching and reading and trying to formulate financial plans and which route of adoption to pursue, it felt as though in the midst of the chaos we could finally move forward in our lives.  So when they threw this one and only chance at me it was as though one dream was made possible again which is fantastic.  On the other hand inside I feel as though my "new" dream had been not necessarily crushed but sidelined.  So this weekend I told Shane even if we magically get this miracle baby or babies I still want to foster parent. 

You see even before I was faced with infertility every time I would read the news about a child harmed I would get upset.  Even before I worked with these kids it had an effect on me.  Being the product of a teen pregnancy there was always a stigma about how people probably assumed I would be brought up.  I was never in need to the point I stole food.  I was never left alone before responsible enough to handle it.  I was whipped twice in my life and I can tell you to this day I deserve both of those whippings and maybe even a few more swats I should have been given but I wasn't beaten.  So if my mother at 15 could pull her shit together and ask for help if needed, why can't others?  Why can't these other women who are much older and have better means and more sense of responsibility?  More importantly if they could not or knew they could not why not give these children up to someone who could love them better?  In my work field I see these women leave with kids every day.  It's not the jealousy that makes me question why they act the way they do.  I did that before I got my diagnosis.  These children didn't ask to be brought into a life full of neglect or abuse they don't deserve.  What they do deserve is someone who can show them it will be okay in the future. To show them how to learn to trust and love and most of all accept love is okay.  

I still believe we are capable of being those parents. Even if we pursued domestic infant adoption first, I always planned on foster to adopt afterwards.  The only reason I'd consider domestic infant adoption now is simply we have the extra resources right now and obviously if we can't have a miracle baby.  I really don't know still if I'd want to risk IVF with such uncertainty if it's going to take away from our funds to adopt.  They've extended the adoption tax credit and my husband works for a company that offerings assistance towards adoption.  That in itself is really rare and with all the cuts in budgets in healthcare, I'm not sure it'll be a benefit that sticks around sadly.  To wait for an infant or toddler in the foster system could take years. It also could not. While I'd love to take in any and every kid, I just feel it would not be appropriate for us to take in a teenager at our age.  School age would be tricky until I am done with school to help run around to extra curricular activities so for now I feel under 5 is best since most of the time would be spent at home and I could be studying at the same point.  So much faces us in the road ahead and I'm sure we will eventually be placed with older kids or perhaps a sibling group, but I do know one thing is for certain we will be going down that road together. 

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

POAS crazy takes over.

The past few days I've had a few moments where I've thought about a subject to blog and failed to log in and do it! 

 I've also had some random wicked dreams the past few sleeps (I won't say nights because some were days).  If you're reading this because you've been on the TTC journey yourself you know exactly what I mean when I use the term POAS.  If you're here for support it means to pee on a stick.  My dr wants me to chart these cycles from now until June so I am back in POAS mode.  This cycle has been a bust.  Either I ovulated early for once in my charting life or it's anovulatory.  It's hard to tell when you aren't temping (waiting a cycle due to coming off the Lupron) and you see some light lines but never a full equal set.  I'm back to analyzing every symptom and characteristic.  After POAS for several days I'm leaning towards the latter.  I keep thinking to myself am I really wanting to put myself through this all again? Will it be too stressful? Can I handle the stress and emotional roller coaster?  Given that I have 6 months max to try I think I owe it to myself and kid craving husband.  Then I had a dream. 

To show how much it plays on your mind if you've not been a POASaholic let me tell you about it.  Sure there's the fancy ovulatory and pregnancy tests you see on the commercials that are digital and give you a definitive yes or no.  There is also the fancy price tags.  After a few cycles of TTC you join internet forums to compare signs and troubles with and learn about the wonderful world of internet cheapies.  Wondfos are the devil to those of us TTC. It's the same good ol' stick they use in a lab.  2 lines of equal color means it is positive.  You stress on if the purple is almost or really is equal.  Is that a squinter?  Is my mind playing tricks?  Here is a picture to show you how crazy it can be deciphering the 2nd line on a test. 
 Sure there's 2nd lines, but that's the fun part of deciding when it counts as positive.  It will drive an already stressed person crazy!  So crazy that a few nights ago while trying to figure out if I had O'ed early I had the dream.  I dreamed that I went back into the bathroom to an old test and it magically told me that I had indeed O'ed on CD 15 and was 7DPO.  Yes that's right it came up in the white margin in typed letters plain as day and I thought oh okay that's awesome that it can tell me this now finally!   Does this actually happen? NO.  Would it be amazing and could I be a millionaire if I could develop it and sell it for the same cheap price?  You betcha! 

So now I just wait to see when I start my next cycle.  I give up at this point.  It's too late in my current cycle.  I only saw a 2nd line once and that was last Friday on CD24 and it was literally a squinter.  That's the only one so I figure it's a fluke.  My body is just in spasm mode from welcoming estrogen back in.  Until then we wait.  I've been a crying mess over little crap for 3 days so I humored myself and did a pregnancy one as well that was also stark white.  I'm guessing the witch shows her head this weekend so I can start all over at 1.  *sigh*  1 down 5 cycles to go.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

When words hurt...

We've all seen the lists of what not to say to infertiles (yes spell check after all these times of typing that word I am very sure I don't mean interflies!).  and I find myself even before we were diagnosed wondering how people could even think to say some of these things to people.  Really?  I chalk it up to again seeing several women I love going through the treatments and working in women's health that I know better for the most part.  While I won't repeat the lists again that are copied over and over and basically the same thing  here is a list of things (in no particular order).  I have recently been told and hurt by (and not calling anyone out if you realize it is you, just setting an example). I truly get that almost none of these people meant any harm and were trying to help, but still. 

1) Are you sure it's not possible?  This happens quite a bit actually.  Yes I'm very sure.  Again it's like saying are you sure it's cancer?  Technically it is possible as long as we have sex and I have a uterus, but reality of sustaining a pregnancy even if it implanted is not probable.  Infertility is often misconstrued as being about the ability to get pregnant but it actually goes into being able to carry a child full term.  There's a fact for ya!

2)  Perhaps God gave you this health condition for a reason.  I've found myself saying over and over that I feel like God has plans for me and I could be the best foster/adoptive parent ever but seriously?  Hey God thought you should be a lefty so he gave you that horrible accident that cost you your right arm.  Sounds pretty vicious when you put it that way right? 

3) Why can't you just be happy for others?  Unless I've said God awful hateful words such as you don't deserve this baby or I hope you miscarry so you can know what miserable means (as in I'd never say those words in a million years!) never assume you know if I am happy for you or others or not.  I am happy for you.  Sometimes our joy can bring others pain. People who ask this are often the reason I'm not happy though!

4) I/My (random family member)/my neighbor's sister's friend had a miscarriage/took (amount) of years/ was on bed rest and I didn't feel/act/get depressed or post annoying shit like you.  Good for you and for them.  People grieve differently.  People like you are the reason I share the links on etiquette and could use a few more lessons on far more than infertility etiquette.  Most of you who offered these words have had kids too so it's a slightly different feelings when ITS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.  Look up primary infertility vs secondary infertility. Both hurt but still different. 

5) Have you tried (insert random form of health/fertility treatment/supplement)?  Most of the ones recommended on message boards promote estrogen growth.  That is the last thing I need but indeed does help several other ladies succeed.  I'm a pee on a stick pro and can tell you about every phase of the cervix position and it's glorious mucous.  If it's an option for me that would work with our situation I've probably tried it or ran it past the experts for opinion.  I'm about to technically be homeless and floating between 2 moms and houses in 2 cities with my husband and school and work to deal with on top of building a new home.  Anything that requires specific diet or timing just isn't fitting right now no matter how much I'd love to have that miracle happen between now and June. 

6) How about adoption? Can't you just adopt?  Yes we can and probably will.  It all goes back to that point above where we will be homeless.  A lot of places charge 700+ dollars to update a home study so we've said from the beginning we'd begin that journey once we were settled into our new home.  Why waste the money we'll need to afford caring for a new little one or ones?  Besides floating between homes and cities is hard enough with pets I can't imagine denying my husband the bonding with a child or anyone giving us a serious look applying in our current situation.  Trust me I've read my information and done my research. I read tons of books and journals all last summer and I am ready to make that step as much as you are to see us succeed. 

7) So and so was told it'd never happen and it did for them.  That's great for them and I'm super happy they were blessed with a miracle, but I'm not just facing one issue, but several against me.  It doesn't mean I've given up hope or being negative because I will always hang on to hope, but I also don't want to get lost in a daydream and miss out on the rest of my life.  Knowing that I would have extremely high risks of losing a baby and myself in the second trimester from both of the female issues is hard to stomach.  Literally my uterus could rupture from the thin spots of lining as they stretch from having the endo ablated.  The septum receives no blood flow and my baby would die from lack of blood if it chose to implant anywhere on that part of my uterus.  Before I even knew about those there was the issue of my back.  I have 2 full length Herrington rods with crossed fixtures and a spinal infusion at the bottom.  Most of a normal pregnancy could be spent on bed rest.  We have big babies and twins galore in this family so normal size is out the window.  Knowing I could crush my spine just carrying in the 3rd trimester and not be able to have any form of spinal is a big deal.  Depending on placement they can try but when you have the surgery I did those holes where they try could not heal and basically leak spinal fluid or cause more arthritis from lack of healing.  I couldn't do a vaginal delivery or even a regular c-section. I'd have to be under anesthesia and Shane therefore couldn't even be in the OR to be with our child while I'm out.  This was something he was very aware of before we got married on top of the risk that I may not be able to get pregnant at all or easily.  I love my husband dearly and he was my best friend before we dated, but that can be hard on a man and I wanted him aware before we said I do. 

8) You know you can borrow my kids anytime right?  Yes and I love all your kiddos dearly, but I'm not trying to play house 48 hours at a time.  I'd still babysit just because in a heart beat though! Auntie Amy's home is always open (well unless I'm working.  Even then Shane might still be willing to try it alone if a mom can be on stand by). 

9) You're so young it can still happen.  A woman at 30 with no health issues working against her has a 10% chance of conceiving in a perfectly timed regular menstrual cycle.  Yes people have babies older than me but whether they tell you or not there's a good chance there was something helping them rather than not.  Again it goes back to that realistic expectation of my situation.  I think people miss signs or just don't read when I share information regarding the specifics and think I've just tried for awhile and think it's not happening.  That is far from the case. 

10) If they are giving you until June to try and make a baby then you surely have to have good chances. Why not try longer?  I honestly think this is a now or never attempt to humor me even though I went in prepared for more surgery and removals and not baby making, but the fact I did well on Lupron took everyone by shock.  Sometimes I feel like it could be research but the fact I'm not being monitored tells me nah.  After 6 months with no hormones or birth control the beast will inevitably be back to take over my body.  It came on so quickly before part of me is terrified to even wait that long.  After then I can do another surgery to check out the insides and maybe talk to an RE about IVF options.  If I chose not to go that route or they say it's unrealistic then I have to come up with a plan to protect my body from the beast for good.  Whether I stay on birth control (and I have issues with IUD's after seeing 3 babies in my small hometown made while on then and put at risk I doubt the 99% effective odds) or do more surgery and maybe more hormones I don't know. I'd like to avoid a hysterectomy as long as possible because I'd just be on hormones anyways from going into menopause that early but we shall see. If it's as bad as it was last May I'll probably just say rip it all out because I can't keep putting my other organs in jeopardy.  Filling toilets with blood when passing bowel movements isn't normal and after 3 years it kind of has become my normal but I'd like to remember life without it and feeling dizzy and nauseated like I could pass out most days.  I want to get out of bed. I want to not take my pain pills for my back for my PMS instead.  I want to be able to know if i walk down the hall, driveway, etc around weeks 2-3 (ovulation is never normal or same days) of my cycle I won't cry out in random stabbing pain and drop down and have it gone before someone can rush to me.  This cycle I literally thought my ovary burst and it happened at work.  It was scary. 

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Bad things happen.... now get over it!

Yeah that just happened.  Really?  Would you tell someone with cancer that they have to get over it?  Would you tell a paraplegic to get over it? No. You wouldn't because there's this stigma of what defines a chronic medical condition.  Infertility is chronic.  My lining of my utereus is not coming back.  It won't form a new shape.  I can't get pregnant having sex on a perfectly time schedule let alone one drunken time so no I won't get over it.  I'm sorry that you feel the need for me to expect sensitivity from FAMILY and FRIENDS is selfish and I'm raining on your parades.  Heaven forbid I expect simple human characteristics from those who love us right? 

How about shame on you.  I've prayed for you that you wouldn't experience a loss after announcing to EVERYONE so damn early without even knowing if it's still viable.  Babies stop growing pretty often.  You don't have to bleed to miscarry.  No one should have to go through what several women I know and love have experienced even after waiting to announce.  No one. No one should have to experience what I did at your grandfather's funeral and having random horrific cramps out of no where and experiencing what can only be assumed (based on details I won't go graphically into) as a loss before it was confirmed.  What have you done to be there for us???  You ridiculed us at Thanksgiving for shopping because we're trying to save money in every way possible to adopt.  It's all about family?  Why aren't you offering to help us fundraise if you're so family oriented???  Most of all why haven't you just been there for the person who has been like your brother as he has cried several nights and prayed for our situation to be changed? If you can't have a heart or a filter for me do it for him!

Bad things do happen and I'll still pray that they don't happen to you so you never have to feel the way that we do.  But this isn't a bad thing that happened once to me. It's a life altering condition and my situation is so extreme it plays a part in several aspects of my other health issues.  I could bleed out and die silently today and not have a warning sign.  Infertility isn't just about having a baby or not, it's so much more. Perhaps if you went to school or picked up a book to educate yourself you wouldn't have to be schooled by me on your ignorance. Lord knows I've shared plenty of educational sources to make people understand. 

How about you get over my justified hormone induced bad days instead?  Or try to understand.  Oh that's right that's selfish of me to expect it to be a 2 way street. I guess I forgot who the world revolves around.  Actually scratch that.  As you said sometimes we say crude things to beg for sympathy. I don't need anyone's sympathy that can't give it naturally and I sure as hell won't beg for it. Same goes for who we allow in our lives.  I'd rather be alone right now than have to beg people to be around us who can't offer it naturally.  Please don't bother setting us a place at the table!