The Gift of Hope

Today was my "discuss the next step" appointment with my Dr.  Actually yesterday now as I waited to post this after I talked to my mom and in case the Mayans had it right.  After all it'd be my luck to get this visit and snow the day before the world ends right?  It went nothing like we had originally discussed, which is good yet threw me completely off guard as to my questions to ask. Oh and I'm down 4 more lbs from October.  Apparently diet and exercise weren't the answer all these years I just needed my insides scraped out.  Who knew?!?! :)  

My doctor seemed shocked when I brought up the fact everything I have ever read about endometrial ablation said it was not for those who wish to have future fertility.  The problem arises from not being able to successfully carry a child not the actual ability to get pregnant.  Apparently it all depends on the level, type, etc.  So my odds are better than the previous post at less than 1%. 

However... there is her bigger concern, my arcuate uterus.  She felt during my surgeries in May that it was more like a septum almost like your nose.  My MRI in June came back saying arcuate.  She is requesting the images to review it further to see if I need surgery for correction after all. 

What the heck does all this mean?  It means I'm getting a chance to try and get pregnant.  It also means I have a really high chance of miscarriage in the 2nd trimester thanks to my lining and the malformation.  That really weighs heavy on my mind and my heart.  I always support and encourage women to NOT announce to more than extreme close family and friends before the 1st trimester because a loss hurts so much and having to repeat the words over and over just adds to the pain (unless of course it effects your job such as high risk then tell asap!).  At this rate if it happens I'll let people know when I'm crowning or full term which ever happens first! :) 

The plan for now is that I finish my last dose of hormones (16 pills left, yes i counted).  Then we wait for me to start a period.  In the mean time I am going back on prenatals (which is hilarious bc I literally bought women's regular vitamins finally on Sunday after all this time) and I think I will add a supplement for thickening uterian lining.  She okayed 6 months of "trying" (could take up to 3 to even get a cycle but I doubt it from my spotting) and if there's not a Woolf Cub by June I go to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist) for IVF.  I could just go straight there (and some who are concerned about my health think I should) but I have always said I don't know that I want to be on the hormones and after this I still don't know that I do.  Yes we get a discount on services thanks to Community Health's awesome benefits, but I still cringe at the thought of taking our savings and there still being small chances when we could adopt and have less health risks on me.  If I don't do it then I have to go on birth control or some other pills to try and keep the Endo monster from taking back over.  That's the biggest concern of all with all the places the Beast has dug her claws into.  Bitch! Then there's that whole potential spinal infusion crushing in the 3rd trimester and c-section without a spinal deal that comes back to haunt me.  Yikes.

I have already decided that 2013 will be a much better diet for me as I think it'd help the endo and my asthma out tremendously.  I made baby steps this year, but as long as I stay in control of it then I'll be going more hardcore (after my 30th birthday cake of course! I am not crazy enough to turn down a cake by my momma!) on avoiding the gluten and sugars.  Yes goodbye Mountain Dew as shocking as that is with my work schedule.  If I start and I'm back in hellacious pain and pressure then I do end up getting a laproscopy right away and the plans revert.  I've never been so scared and most of all excited to get my monthly visitor.   

While it gives me a glimmer of hope, I'm still a realist and know my chances are slim and risky.  It doesn't change the hurt and pain we've endured and it doesn't okay people to act like we're back to normal in regards to caution around our emotions.  We still wanted to be parents the past 2 years and it still hasn't happened and still might not biologically.  There's just slightly more hope which may somewhat lighten my Grinch Christmas mood.  Nothing is guaranteed and honestly (and it could just be the hormones still) I am NOT emotionally equipped to handle a loss. Obviously I'd be a high risk pregnancy and constantly watched so no matter what route this year goes it will be costly.  Story of our lives lately though: If it doesn't break completely it costs a shit ton to fix it!