Keeping the dream alive

After doing some thinking the past month I decided to talk to my husband last weekend when he was home.  You know from my blog that I was broad sided when the doctor told me she was going to give us 6 months to try. I had spent all summer long reading book after book on adoption and even into the fall trying to make peace with the fact I would never be a biological mother.  I still might not be and realistically probably won't.  It's taken it's toll on me from one end to the other to have a chance thrown back at me, especially when I literally felt at peace with my low blow.  I honestly think this has made dealing with the emotions worse and perhaps the jealousy when I hear someone else is pregnant.  It's one thing to think you can't be and another to know you could be and trying.  We're about to hit the 2 year mark in April and maybe the anniversary is haunting me. 

Anyways after researching and reading and trying to formulate financial plans and which route of adoption to pursue, it felt as though in the midst of the chaos we could finally move forward in our lives.  So when they threw this one and only chance at me it was as though one dream was made possible again which is fantastic.  On the other hand inside I feel as though my "new" dream had been not necessarily crushed but sidelined.  So this weekend I told Shane even if we magically get this miracle baby or babies I still want to foster parent. 

You see even before I was faced with infertility every time I would read the news about a child harmed I would get upset.  Even before I worked with these kids it had an effect on me.  Being the product of a teen pregnancy there was always a stigma about how people probably assumed I would be brought up.  I was never in need to the point I stole food.  I was never left alone before responsible enough to handle it.  I was whipped twice in my life and I can tell you to this day I deserve both of those whippings and maybe even a few more swats I should have been given but I wasn't beaten.  So if my mother at 15 could pull her shit together and ask for help if needed, why can't others?  Why can't these other women who are much older and have better means and more sense of responsibility?  More importantly if they could not or knew they could not why not give these children up to someone who could love them better?  In my work field I see these women leave with kids every day.  It's not the jealousy that makes me question why they act the way they do.  I did that before I got my diagnosis.  These children didn't ask to be brought into a life full of neglect or abuse they don't deserve.  What they do deserve is someone who can show them it will be okay in the future. To show them how to learn to trust and love and most of all accept love is okay.  

I still believe we are capable of being those parents. Even if we pursued domestic infant adoption first, I always planned on foster to adopt afterwards.  The only reason I'd consider domestic infant adoption now is simply we have the extra resources right now and obviously if we can't have a miracle baby.  I really don't know still if I'd want to risk IVF with such uncertainty if it's going to take away from our funds to adopt.  They've extended the adoption tax credit and my husband works for a company that offerings assistance towards adoption.  That in itself is really rare and with all the cuts in budgets in healthcare, I'm not sure it'll be a benefit that sticks around sadly.  To wait for an infant or toddler in the foster system could take years. It also could not. While I'd love to take in any and every kid, I just feel it would not be appropriate for us to take in a teenager at our age.  School age would be tricky until I am done with school to help run around to extra curricular activities so for now I feel under 5 is best since most of the time would be spent at home and I could be studying at the same point.  So much faces us in the road ahead and I'm sure we will eventually be placed with older kids or perhaps a sibling group, but I do know one thing is for certain we will be going down that road together. 

POAS crazy takes over.

The past few days I've had a few moments where I've thought about a subject to blog and failed to log in and do it! 

 I've also had some random wicked dreams the past few sleeps (I won't say nights because some were days).  If you're reading this because you've been on the TTC journey yourself you know exactly what I mean when I use the term POAS.  If you're here for support it means to pee on a stick.  My dr wants me to chart these cycles from now until June so I am back in POAS mode.  This cycle has been a bust.  Either I ovulated early for once in my charting life or it's anovulatory.  It's hard to tell when you aren't temping (waiting a cycle due to coming off the Lupron) and you see some light lines but never a full equal set.  I'm back to analyzing every symptom and characteristic.  After POAS for several days I'm leaning towards the latter.  I keep thinking to myself am I really wanting to put myself through this all again? Will it be too stressful? Can I handle the stress and emotional roller coaster?  Given that I have 6 months max to try I think I owe it to myself and kid craving husband.  Then I had a dream. 

To show how much it plays on your mind if you've not been a POASaholic let me tell you about it.  Sure there's the fancy ovulatory and pregnancy tests you see on the commercials that are digital and give you a definitive yes or no.  There is also the fancy price tags.  After a few cycles of TTC you join internet forums to compare signs and troubles with and learn about the wonderful world of internet cheapies.  Wondfos are the devil to those of us TTC. It's the same good ol' stick they use in a lab.  2 lines of equal color means it is positive.  You stress on if the purple is almost or really is equal.  Is that a squinter?  Is my mind playing tricks?  Here is a picture to show you how crazy it can be deciphering the 2nd line on a test. 

 Sure there's 2nd lines, but that's the fun part of deciding when it counts as positive.  It will drive an already stressed person crazy!  So crazy that a few nights ago while trying to figure out if I had O'ed early I had the dream.  I dreamed that I went back into the bathroom to an old test and it magically told me that I had indeed O'ed on CD 15 and was 7DPO.  Yes that's right it came up in the white margin in typed letters plain as day and I thought oh okay that's awesome that it can tell me this now finally!   Does this actually happen? NO.  Would it be amazing and could I be a millionaire if I could develop it and sell it for the same cheap price?  You betcha! 


So now I just wait to see when I start my next cycle.  I give up at this point.  It's too late in my current cycle.  I only saw a 2nd line once and that was last Friday on CD24 and it was literally a squinter.  That's the only one so I figure it's a fluke.  My body is just in spasm mode from welcoming estrogen back in.  Until then we wait.  I've been a crying mess over little crap for 3 days so I humored myself and did a pregnancy one as well that was also stark white.  I'm guessing the witch shows her head this weekend so I can start all over at 1.  *sigh*  1 down 5 cycles to go.