Infertile Myrtle Here Survived the Holidays!

Well I made it through Christmas! Technically we have one celebration left tomorrow but that SHOULD be smooth sailing. Should being the key word! It wasn't as bad as I feared especially reading other forums and blogs, but not as perfect as I hoped. My husband was shocked at my dad not saying much but he's been one of my biggest supporters and that's not always been our relationship. I think he is one of the few who can see the absolute pain in my eyes and know to not push it. The man asked for grandkids long before i had a husband so i can see Shane's shock. He's now asking for more fur grandbabies instead. Christmas Eve night was my holiday and I dreaded seeing pregnant bellies and Christmas miracles being born. Most nights I'm okay with my job because I do sincerely love it, but it was the last place I wanted to spend a holiday centered around children knowing we thought for sure we'd be celebrating a first Christmas this year. I ended up in a 1:1 (constant supervising a patient for safety for those outside the medical world) with a very dear to me special needs patient and got to play Santa. If I couldn't be with my husband to deal with my grief this patient is the one who could help me through it and boy did I need it. I cried when I got to work and my partner was the desk person. Being young and not engaged let alone baby crazed she didn't get it but then again she never gets anything that's not about her.

We didn't have to face any "surprise" pregnancy announcements which was good for my sanity. I don't know why but i was scared to death my cousin would say she's having number 2. I think I was more scared of upsetting her if I was upset though because I hate feeling like a monster. I only saw a few random Facebook announcements. One a friend who has been trying longer than we have, another who just lost her mom. The third was interesting. Someone from my class (yes 2001) is going to be a GRANDMA. I sincerely never thought I'd see the day friends were grandparents before I was a mom no matter how I get there!

I really feared the in laws since I had literally under 2 hour nap after working all night and almost 2 hours over. Thanksgiving was filled with constant chatter and at one point yelling at the world to check out my sister in law's growing belly and me left with a severely sore tongue from biting it. It was much calmer and perhaps my finally blowing my lid the week before helped put the lack of sensitivity in perspective. I didn't cry hysterically looking at family photos that were suddenly maternity shots and I didn't feel compelled to stomp the stocking for the baby not due until April hanging above the fireplace even though the "constant visual reminder" I labeled it the week before still hung with it in my mind. Luckily I'm truly excited for this sweet baby girl because after all I did pray for a girl. I got a sewing machine for Christmas and I can't wait start her quilt. I'll just be better with it all once she's on the outside.

You see I've learned I'm different than some infertiles in that I don't get upset with having children present. It's unfortunately pregnant women that send me into emotional overdrive. My cousin mentioned above's little boy helped me see this. He is the most beautiful baby boy I've ever seen. He was an even bigger star in pictures I took than my sisters! I didn't hide from him or anything of the sort. In fact I wanted to be with him as much as possible because it helped seeing his gorgeous smile and hearing his giggle at my dog or little sister. I know for others that could hurt, but we all grieve differently. It's something i should have seen coming as I worked instead of going to a few dear friends showers this past year. That's not me at all. Friends and family have always prevailed. I think deep down its because i know I can and will be a mom, but these children will grow in my heart and not in my uterus. I don't ache for motherhood, I yearn for pregnancy. Time will tell one way or another I suppose.

The Gift of Hope

Today was my "discuss the next step" appointment with my Dr.  Actually yesterday now as I waited to post this after I talked to my mom and in case the Mayans had it right.  After all it'd be my luck to get this visit and snow the day before the world ends right?  It went nothing like we had originally discussed, which is good yet threw me completely off guard as to my questions to ask. Oh and I'm down 4 more lbs from October.  Apparently diet and exercise weren't the answer all these years I just needed my insides scraped out.  Who knew?!?! :)  

My doctor seemed shocked when I brought up the fact everything I have ever read about endometrial ablation said it was not for those who wish to have future fertility.  The problem arises from not being able to successfully carry a child not the actual ability to get pregnant.  Apparently it all depends on the level, type, etc.  So my odds are better than the previous post at less than 1%. 

However... there is her bigger concern, my arcuate uterus.  She felt during my surgeries in May that it was more like a septum almost like your nose.  My MRI in June came back saying arcuate.  She is requesting the images to review it further to see if I need surgery for correction after all. 

What the heck does all this mean?  It means I'm getting a chance to try and get pregnant.  It also means I have a really high chance of miscarriage in the 2nd trimester thanks to my lining and the malformation.  That really weighs heavy on my mind and my heart.  I always support and encourage women to NOT announce to more than extreme close family and friends before the 1st trimester because a loss hurts so much and having to repeat the words over and over just adds to the pain (unless of course it effects your job such as high risk then tell asap!).  At this rate if it happens I'll let people know when I'm crowning or full term which ever happens first! :) 

The plan for now is that I finish my last dose of hormones (16 pills left, yes i counted).  Then we wait for me to start a period.  In the mean time I am going back on prenatals (which is hilarious bc I literally bought women's regular vitamins finally on Sunday after all this time) and I think I will add a supplement for thickening uterian lining.  She okayed 6 months of "trying" (could take up to 3 to even get a cycle but I doubt it from my spotting) and if there's not a Woolf Cub by June I go to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist) for IVF.  I could just go straight there (and some who are concerned about my health think I should) but I have always said I don't know that I want to be on the hormones and after this I still don't know that I do.  Yes we get a discount on services thanks to Community Health's awesome benefits, but I still cringe at the thought of taking our savings and there still being small chances when we could adopt and have less health risks on me.  If I don't do it then I have to go on birth control or some other pills to try and keep the Endo monster from taking back over.  That's the biggest concern of all with all the places the Beast has dug her claws into.  Bitch! Then there's that whole potential spinal infusion crushing in the 3rd trimester and c-section without a spinal deal that comes back to haunt me.  Yikes.

I have already decided that 2013 will be a much better diet for me as I think it'd help the endo and my asthma out tremendously.  I made baby steps this year, but as long as I stay in control of it then I'll be going more hardcore (after my 30th birthday cake of course! I am not crazy enough to turn down a cake by my momma!) on avoiding the gluten and sugars.  Yes goodbye Mountain Dew as shocking as that is with my work schedule.  If I start and I'm back in hellacious pain and pressure then I do end up getting a laproscopy right away and the plans revert.  I've never been so scared and most of all excited to get my monthly visitor.   

While it gives me a glimmer of hope, I'm still a realist and know my chances are slim and risky.  It doesn't change the hurt and pain we've endured and it doesn't okay people to act like we're back to normal in regards to caution around our emotions.  We still wanted to be parents the past 2 years and it still hasn't happened and still might not biologically.  There's just slightly more hope which may somewhat lighten my Grinch Christmas mood.  Nothing is guaranteed and honestly (and it could just be the hormones still) I am NOT emotionally equipped to handle a loss. Obviously I'd be a high risk pregnancy and constantly watched so no matter what route this year goes it will be costly.  Story of our lives lately though: If it doesn't break completely it costs a shit ton to fix it!

What are the odds?

Thursday is my final check up in this messed up saga of a 6 month Lupron cycle. I feel so many feelings everyday when I take my evening hormone. Happy, sad, scared can sum it all up. To put it bluntly I'm scared shitless about the what's next. I have so many questions for the doctor. All I really have comprehended is that I woke up from an ablation and it did happen. I have no idea what type. I know my 2 week post op discussion was a blur and the exact same convo from PACU that this hormone cycle was my only chance of stopping or at least slowing the beast. So does this mean there's a chance of pregnancy? Saving my female parts to avoid a hysterectomy? Or just trying to tame what couldn't be reached in my digestive system? I have no idea. I honestly question if anyone does since it's one of the worst cases seen in awhile. I definitely have questions for Thursday.

Everyone always asks it along the lines of "So this means you have absolutely no chance of getting pregnant?!?!" I tend to reply "I still have a uterus so there is technically a chance, but I know my odds and risks." it's true unless they cut it all out there is a chance. How big??? Chances of pregnancy following an endometrial ablation are about 0.07%. Yep that is not a typo that is less than 1% of HAPPENING. Survival statistics? Not good, and not just for a baby but myself included.

In a post on a forum last month Dr. Jim Smeltzer quoted numbers from a recent meeting of the American Association of Gynecologic Laproscopists: 123 pregnancies after endometrial ablation have been reported in English Literature. 59 were terminated at mother's requests (there's high risks to the mother). Of the 64 remaining: 17 were spontaneous abortions, 10 had premature rupture of membranes, 19 were premature, 27 were c section required, 17 had placental adherence complications which 10 necessitated hysterectomy. Luckily only one maternal death with spontaneous rupture of her unscarred uterus and massive intra-abdominal hemorrhage.

A few other sites I found statistics that were just mentioned but never legit sources but it appears less than 1% make it past 10 weeks. Most that do are miscarried in2nd trimester. Less than 25% see full term deliveries.

I'm not only facing this, but my arcuate uterus which also carries like 5x the risk of a 2nd trimester loss. While it's not recommended to try to conceive it is possible and some who had frozen ablations can right away through IvF. The biggest question is at what point do you decide risks are worth it? After how much money spent? Having a spinal infusion carried enough risks on a pregnancy and delivery that these female odds just baffle me. Why risk losing myself or my future children through silent bleeding? I can't judge those who do and depending on what the next laproscopy finds it could very well be me if there is enough lining, but I know what the MRI in June found. If it happens it was meant to be, but at less than a tenth of a percent chance I'm much more at peace with accepting God's plan is probably adoption.

We shall see what answers I'm given then on Thursday. I'm trying to be prepared, but my hormones will go through first week of January officially and I cannot predict my reactions. I may be spending Christmas week in a ball in my bed crying alone by choice. I've read that it's normal at holiday time especially the first set after hearing the news of infertility so I'm aware I'm far from alone in feeling the added stress and sadness, it just sucks to be that person ya know? Depression has been my worst side effect though and I have to do what is best for me in the end. I've been able to bounce back being back home in my own home and I don't want to slip into that dark place ever again if it's plausible to avoid.

Holy pressure batman!

   I wish I could say the pressure I'm having relates to selling the house, finding a new one, school, or a job in Indy, but nope.  The pressure I'm talking about is in my pelvis and it HURTS.  I had big plans today and so far I'm on the couch with my animals and still in my PJs.  I'm sure it's related to the wonderful ice cream I sinfully ate (dairy still isn't a friend of mine) but hey it was a triple chocolate melt down moment after a crappy person attempted to ruin my evening.  Sometimes you have to eat your feelings and as long as it's not a daily occurrence I say have at it. Now today I haven't ate but a few bites because my pelvis feels like it could explode.

   When I first started "getting sick" (what I refer to as my GI issues from 2009) I would describe intense pressure and pain in my abdomen constantly.  All the doctors and GI specialists would simply tell me it was IBS and it was probably flatulence (aka a kinder term meaning you have to fart).  I would flat out tell them I work in the medical field and if I felt the need to fart I would as it was much cheaper than constantly needing a shot to release the muscles in my stomach or co-pays for coming in because it was so bad I was in the fetal position constantly.  Not to mention the fact i had blood where it didn't need to be and on a regular occurring basis.  I felt so alone and so constantly blown off.  A doctor at the quick care (my family physician at the time just stopped seeing me for stomach issues even though I was far from cured and refused pain medications because I wanted fixed and diagnosed not just treated for a 4-8 hour fix) had the nerve to tell me after I lost 35 lbs in the first month from my inability to eat that the lumps I said I could feel around my stomach area were simply fat pockets and my abdominal pain would cease if I stopped constantly touching it.  In fact it was probably all in my head and being created by my mind.  I called my mom crying and upset in the parking lot because she had said it so matter of a fact and walked out and left that I had to question if she was right.  Then I was pissed.  3 years later I still hate Dr. Rebecca Cohen for that day and probably always will.  She's lucky and quite frankly I'm lucky I didn't listen to her and stop persisting for someone, anyone really to listen to me and try and solve it.  Thank god I chose a different urgent care in town to find my now new family physician as he took the time to look through my labs and realized if someone didn't do something soon I'd be going into liver failure any moment.  Everyone dismissed my low potassium as normal from reoccurring diarrhea and it is, but at this point it'd been dropping and dropping for over 3 months to critical levels.  No one even though they had access to all the previous sets looked beyond the most current.  I can't imagine what other problems I'd have today if it wouldn't have been for him.  We still would have never guessed it'd be Endometriosis on that day, but he did say he was concerned I was a high candidate for PCOS on the first time meeting me. 

Here's an article link I found by a lady who got her diagnosis by noticing her symptoms in her digestive system same as I did.  Don't get me wrong it's not just in the GI as only 1 in 27 endo sufferers actually have it in their GI's so we're an even more special breed if you will.  If you have any weird body issues at all that are persistent I will always encourage second and third opinions until a cause is found.  After my surgery in May a long term friend who had been told she might have fibromalgia or rheumatoid arthritis went to an urgent care after still persistent symptoms and they found out she actually had breast cancer.  This prompted me to write a note on Facebook revealing my own story and another friend (who had emailed me to ask me to describe my girl times in depth to her) went for another opinion on some issues and was also found to have Endometriosis already at stage IV with no children of her own at 26.  She's just a few months behind me on Lupron treatment.  I had said then if I saved one person than I accomplished something but with this beast causing so many issues for so many women I cannot preach it enough.  If sharing embarrassing moments in my life and details that others feel should be mute saves more than so be it.  I can talk pee, puke, poop, and periods with the best of them thanks to a career in healthcare it simply doesn't phase me a bit. 

Being grateful when the day is far from great...

One of my favorite quotes ever is "Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day." It is positively true! People get caught up in all that is wrong and negative around them and tend to lose site of this sweet bit of information. I know I am guilty of it, and honestly this Lupron cycle has made it hard. Hell waking up to see my pale faced moms and Shane in May to hear that I will probably never be a mother is what essentially made it hard.

Any who, I found this little quote picture and saved it to reflect on it. One of my friends from college posts things she loves about her day every day and I look forward to it. Whenever I catch people in a negative tizzy, I try to remind them that God doesn't give us what we can't handle and sometimes he is trying to show us that we were meant to travel a different path. Does it suck? Absolutely! Am I not jealous, angry, sad, etc when I see someone "undeserving" being blessed with a child? EVERY SINGLE DAY (especially on work nights) but that's because I am human filled with emotions and most of all blessed with a very big heart. The problem is when a very big heart is hurt it's an even larger injury to heal. So here I am stuck in this delay if you will.

Without the diagnosis, Shane wouldn't have put as much effort into a new job. Without the new job we wouldn't be trying to sell the house to move. Without moving or the new job we realistically have extremely no hope of becoming parents anytime soon. So while my life is stuck in this delay, I am grateful because perhaps we are being saved from a house that will have extreme damage for whatever reason, we are more excited and thankful to spend time together when it's only 1-2 days a week, and of course I learned that taking a job just to get a mortgage is NOT the answer and realized how much I absolutely love my job, even if it hurts sometimes. I do have blessings everyday and I am extremely grateful. In the near future this house will sell, we will have a new one to grow into, we will be blessed in some form to become parents, and I will be done with school once and for all to be able to transfer to a better job in Indy in the same area. All that matters is once the rain clears and this storm is over, ill be heading into my green flower filled meadow with nothing but sunshine and happiness. Oh and hopefully it's fenced so it can have a few dogs and kiddos in it :)

Relax... go to it!

Oooooh Frankie.  If only it were that easy.  A friend had a status today that I was clearly able to read between the lines of and know this just wasn't her month so to speak.  People were offering the usual "words of encouragement" and I say that loosely.  No relaxing won't make a baby.  No you actually do technically have to try if you want to make one unless you're the Virgin Mary.  I get that people mean well but sometimes you just want to ring some necks.  I thought I'd give her and everyone a good laugh though with a similar story I went through myself.

Sometimes I pick up work on other units in the hospital providing 1:1 care (I sit in the room with a patient deemed not safe to be left alone for whatever reason it be like line pulling, unsteady, inability to call for help, etc).  One of my regular patients was staying on another unit and was requiring quite a bit of extra care including the gown and mask isolation routine.  This patient is mentally functional at I'd say a 4 yr old level but actually an adult.  A nurse I'll call "Midgey" since this patient did (heheheheh if you're reading this) was also in the room getting ready to pass some medications.  Now this patient is so functional at a child's level we use baby toys and shows to entertain and distract because otherwise it's a gigantic crying mess.  Out of no where this conversation starts:

Pt:"Miss Amy is your husband going to be mad you're staying all night with me tonight? Won't he miss you?"
Me: "Nope it's late and way past bedtime.  He knows you need me more right now because you don't feel good."
Pt: "Miss Amy do you have any babies?"
Me: "Nope not yet"
Pt: "Why not? You'd be a good mama. Don't you like kids Miss Amy?"
Me: " I love kids just like I love on you dear.  Sometimes the good Lord just doesn't bless us right away with babies." 
Pt looks real serious: "Well if you don't have babies you just need to have some sex with your husband. Didn't you know you have to have sex to make babies?"
Nurse Midgey busts out laughing: " I just remembered I forgot something out there" and runs out laughing hysterically into the hallway
Me: " I don't think this conversation is appropriate for us to have anymore sweetheart."

Needless to say my patient cried hysterically and thought he/she was in big trouble and all I could do was be thankful that all that was visible between the mask and gown was above my nose because I'm sure I was 3 sheets of red and shocked as heck!  I had to give some hugs and comfort and try not to laugh myself as it'd stir the situation up more.  Then I had to wonder how someone I can't get to remember 5 seconds ago that I told them they could not get out of bed can comprehend what sex is.  Goodness!

I guess my point is that sometimes people just don't know because they've never been there.  Perhaps they feel inclined to say something, but aren't really sure what words are needed.  One moment it could be frustrating as all gets and the next you're trying not to laugh because they are sincere and thought you didn't know any better and wanted to help with some advice, even the obvious. 

Even the Princess is Pregnant!

You know in all of my hormonal battles when faced with pregnancy announcements (and wanting to delete Facebook 42x a month) finding out today that Princess Kate was pregnant was a blessing.  Good for her!  Most of us who have faced the age old question over and over "So now that you're married when are you going to start having kids?" can NEVER relate to the number of times, speculations, etc that this poor woman has faced for the whole year she has been married.  I can't imagine being under the public eye and speculation of the ENTIRE WORLD.  Most mothers will tell you to take the time at the beginning of a marriage to enjoy each other and get to know one another before making that leap into parenthood.  How do you do that with paparazzi in your face asking what your lunch consists of?  How many times have we watched news reports questioning her water over champagne toast choices? 

We've all been there in that "glorious" 2 week wait trying to justify our own choices.  Do you take a drink knowing you could or could not be pregnant?  Do you just stop drinking all together long beforehand so people won't judge your every sip or try and count backwards and guess the very moment your sperm and egg met so they can throw it in your face that you were 2 almost 3 weeks pregnant (and maybe not even have happened if you ovulate late) and having a glass of wine?  The moral of the story is, quite frankly unless she's drinking herself into a black out or doing illegal drugs it's none of our business, but a matter between her (whether that be Princess Kate, myself, or you the reader) and her OB/GYN unless it's a problem requiring intervention that continues throughout the pregnancy.  Then I get to be the bad guy when they come over after giving birth and want to know why the baby is screaming angrily and won't sleep and sometimes just have to brutally honest.  That's a whole other topic for another day though! 

Where to begin?

I have been taking the past few days trying to decide what to begin this blog requested by so many friends with.  Actually it took me 2 days to figure out how to find a template and unzip it to work for this site :P 

Anyways, I just want to say welcome!  I'm about to hit the 5 month mark of a 6 month Lupron Depot treatment cycle so just like everyday with me in person, you never know what to expect from me on here.  It could be sadness, factual, or down right bitchy, but I can guarantee you it will always be real and straight from my heart.  I will probably take this week to post a few different informative posts to define what I'm dealing with and most of all facing in the future.  Statistics suck what can I say, but there's nothing I love more than proving the odds wrong!