As NIAW 2013 comes to a close...

I want to thank each and every person who shared my Infertility Awareness profile picture on Facebook. 37 shares!  It's a tiny percentage of my "friends" on there (and most were shares off of shares) but it's such a taboo subject that I think it's huge! You folks are what kept me going when some of those close to us chose to be hurtful.  I have some of the greatest "chosen family members" in my friends that a lady could ask for!

We went to a NIAW week event in Carmel that was a family building fair.  There were lots of vendors from adoption agencies, fertility clinics, and health related places.  We got to speak to the ladies in charge of our district for State of Indiana DCS.  We found out that we basically have passed 2 of the major steps towards becoming foster parents.  We're already CPR certified and the fact we both work for hospitals shows we can pass a background check.  There's a growing need in the county we're moving to more so for socioeconomically related cases rather than abuse I guess.  They also said since I work in pediatric health care we'd most likely get those calls at 2am or whenever it's a small child with a health concern such as a newborn in withdrawal etc or needing follow up at Riley's even as tiny as asthma.  We felt good after our conversation with them.

We also met a very nice lady (her name was Amy!) from an adoption agency that we clicked with right away.  I like that they don't necessarily have to be the "locator" of the baby and if you're an extrovert they can help you market yourself more to avoid more fees involved.  Sounds perfect for us!  She had lots of great advice and was really the only one I found comfortable to talk with that wasn't related to foster care.  We listened an adoption attorney speak but for the most part I knew all the basics but she touched a little more in depth on home study specifics in the state of Indiana.  Looks like I need to find my job in Indy sooner than later or we'll be paying for an addendum.  She also touched on the fact people who adopt more than once sometimes go different routes on each adoption.  I could see me being one of those people being comfortable with different situations at different times.

We met a nurse (also named Amy! I think it was a sign) and another doctor from the fertility group we receive a discount through as Community employee and spouse.  They said they have great rates of like 80% pregnancy success but that's just on the people it is possible for I pointed out. I have a lot of issues that can all come into play health wise and it's not just about the endo.  I say that over and over on here and in conversation, but I really don't think people register the fact it's more than having stage IV Endo.  Sure you can say you'd get me pregnant, but what can you offer in terms of sustaining it through the 3rd trimester? We're probably going to go speak to him at some point this summer after moving, but I won't hold my breath.  As I have always said you'd have to have some amazing odds for me specifically o get me to consider risking all our savings and then some that could be spent on adopting another child. 

I think we've ultimately come to an agreement we know we want to foster whether we chose to do IVF at some point or adopt through an agency so we're going to get a hold of them to start our education.  I'm pretty excited!  Until I'm done with school it makes more sense economically to try to adopt through foster care first and I've always felt as though I was called to it by God.  It fits into the path of me going back to school etc where I said I felt as though God came to me and wanted me to do more to help others when I chose to leave my last employer.  I realize it will be tough in cases where we would not get to keep the children as our own, but I'm very aware that reunification of family is the ultimate goal and as it should be whether it's the parent or a relative.  It'll be weird having a house set up and ready for babies and toddlers with no kids but you never know when that phone will ring!  Even if we contracted through an agency, placements can and do fall through (granted not as long as a process but still) and I've witnessed 2 myself in the past 2 weeks.  You have to risk the heartache for the happiness.  I just keep reminding myself of all the placements I have seen and the hope that they give me when they leave a family bonded with love, not genetics. 

It's been too long....

Sorry after all the drama at the end of January I just needed a break.  Really I felt as though I've been walking on eggshells and suddenly I'm back to square one where I have to question why is that I have to walk on them but others can't in regards to my feelings? Pretty much this is my thoughts:  

In the mean time, we've sold a house, started building another, my husband had shoulder surgery, and I've just had my usual work and school load to deal with on top of everything else.  I went on the 3rd for my annual pap visit.  Cycles still aren't normal and in fact I keep getting multiple waves of positive LH surges which is expected coming off of hormone suppressants.  Basically unless I agree to do monitored cycles we'll never know if I am still capable of ovulating. The whole IVF discussion came back up and how it's pretty much the only chance since I'm facing so many complexities.  Right now I just want to know my Endo isn't growing back and that 55+ day cycles won't be my new normal. If I reach 35 days I have to do even more rounds of hormones to induce cycles which is what I'm doing now.  I'm so sick of pills to make my body do what it should do.  I've felt like my boobs could burst at the touch of a damn shower for over 2 weeks so just bring on the wrath of ovarian war for pete's sake!  That's right I have my cranky pants on! 

I agreed to consider doing monitored cycles in June and July potentially to watch my cycle to see if it is working. I'm not a fan of having to take Clomid but I'll do a few and listen to what an RE has to say.  As I've said before it'd have to be some extremely great odds for me to risk throwing away that much money that could just be spent on adoption, especially while I'm wrapping up school so basically broke!  The RE who offers a discount through my husband's job is speaking at an event during National Infertility Awareness Week specifically on Endometriosis so I signed up to attend.  There will also be several adoption services present at the fair.  I'm pretty excited even though it's a depressing reason to get to be part of a "group" if you will. 

Any who I promise to not stay away so long again in the future.  I've never been one to let people get to me so I'm not sure if it was the melt down of pressure or the fact people were lashing out at others in the family because of me.  It just makes matters worse to handle when you're not scared of confrontation and married to someone who avoids it like the plague and won't stand up for you.  Sometimes your spouse needs to come first instead of back peddling to keep the peace otherwise it's like we're in this alone instead of together.