What are the odds?

Thursday is my final check up in this messed up saga of a 6 month Lupron cycle. I feel so many feelings everyday when I take my evening hormone. Happy, sad, scared can sum it all up. To put it bluntly I'm scared shitless about the what's next. I have so many questions for the doctor. All I really have comprehended is that I woke up from an ablation and it did happen. I have no idea what type. I know my 2 week post op discussion was a blur and the exact same convo from PACU that this hormone cycle was my only chance of stopping or at least slowing the beast. So does this mean there's a chance of pregnancy? Saving my female parts to avoid a hysterectomy? Or just trying to tame what couldn't be reached in my digestive system? I have no idea. I honestly question if anyone does since it's one of the worst cases seen in awhile. I definitely have questions for Thursday.

Everyone always asks it along the lines of "So this means you have absolutely no chance of getting pregnant?!?!" I tend to reply "I still have a uterus so there is technically a chance, but I know my odds and risks." it's true unless they cut it all out there is a chance. How big??? Chances of pregnancy following an endometrial ablation are about 0.07%. Yep that is not a typo that is less than 1% of HAPPENING. Survival statistics? Not good, and not just for a baby but myself included.

In a post on a forum last month Dr. Jim Smeltzer quoted numbers from a recent meeting of the American Association of Gynecologic Laproscopists: 123 pregnancies after endometrial ablation have been reported in English Literature. 59 were terminated at mother's requests (there's high risks to the mother). Of the 64 remaining: 17 were spontaneous abortions, 10 had premature rupture of membranes, 19 were premature, 27 were c section required, 17 had placental adherence complications which 10 necessitated hysterectomy. Luckily only one maternal death with spontaneous rupture of her unscarred uterus and massive intra-abdominal hemorrhage.

A few other sites I found statistics that were just mentioned but never legit sources but it appears less than 1% make it past 10 weeks. Most that do are miscarried in2nd trimester. Less than 25% see full term deliveries.

I'm not only facing this, but my arcuate uterus which also carries like 5x the risk of a 2nd trimester loss. While it's not recommended to try to conceive it is possible and some who had frozen ablations can right away through IvF. The biggest question is at what point do you decide risks are worth it? After how much money spent? Having a spinal infusion carried enough risks on a pregnancy and delivery that these female odds just baffle me. Why risk losing myself or my future children through silent bleeding? I can't judge those who do and depending on what the next laproscopy finds it could very well be me if there is enough lining, but I know what the MRI in June found. If it happens it was meant to be, but at less than a tenth of a percent chance I'm much more at peace with accepting God's plan is probably adoption.

We shall see what answers I'm given then on Thursday. I'm trying to be prepared, but my hormones will go through first week of January officially and I cannot predict my reactions. I may be spending Christmas week in a ball in my bed crying alone by choice. I've read that it's normal at holiday time especially the first set after hearing the news of infertility so I'm aware I'm far from alone in feeling the added stress and sadness, it just sucks to be that person ya know? Depression has been my worst side effect though and I have to do what is best for me in the end. I've been able to bounce back being back home in my own home and I don't want to slip into that dark place ever again if it's plausible to avoid.